Not the primrose path...

Happy Birthday, Jep............

2012-01-25T06:26:00.000-08:00

Proud parents to two beautiful children.

When I received news about Afzal's Hodgkin's Lymphoma in December, 2008, the first thought that came to my mind was, "How soon can I get to him in U.K and how am I getting there?" The next question was "I would like to go with someone, but who?"

Jep was the chauffeur when Afzal wanted to go to Thetford

As it turned out, Jep was the best person to accompany me because he had finished his Masters and was only due to leave for Australia to pursue his PhD in Mac, 2009. I bought 2 return Thai-Airways (the cheapest flight I could find then) tickets for the two of us, but with Jep coming back to Malaysia much later than me. I could only manage a 9-day leave, but I was thankful because it meant that I was able to be with Afzal for his first chemo, due on 22 December, 2008.

Jep had been to South Korea before this, during his undergraduate days at University Malaysia Sabah, but this is the first time he is going to the land of the "whites". Afzal and me were excited to see Jep's reaction to the weather when we walked out of the Heathrow airport building that cold 20th December morning. It was indeed hilarious to see him shivering and complaining of the cold and yet refusing to wear a snow cap to cover his freezing ears because he said, "it'll mess up my hair!" He kept asking if his nose was still there or had dropped off..."It's so freaking cold, I can't feel my nose!" he kept saying. Afzal said the weather was actually ok, not too cold, much to Jep's sneer.

In between chemo treatment - a visit to Buckingham Palace

But then, Jep is such a drama king. He exagerates a lot. Everything is either sooo good, or sooo bad. Still, I am so grateful to this second son of mine. He stayed to look after Afzal for 7 weeks, when I went home on 31st December, 2008. He cooked for Afzal (Afzal loved his beef stew - said it was even better than the one I made!), accompanied Afzal up the hill to the mosque for Friday prayers on days when Afzal was strong enough, scoured the supermarkets for fresh fruits, juices and other food stuffs for Afzal's daily meals. He was my representative to look after Afzal, while he went through 3 doses of chemo.

It was the saddest day when I left Jep and Afzal at the Sheffield Bus Station, to catch my flight from Heathrow, back home to KL, that 31st December , 2008. Seeing my two sons waving goodbye from the bus really broke my heart. I could see them both trying hard to fight back their own tears, putting on a brave face for the sake of each other and me. I could feel they were seeing me off with heavy hearts - as heavy as mine!

Afzal(3 months), Jep(24 months) - Both still babies.

All the way to London, I kept thinking how noble of Jep to agree to look after Afzal. He was still a baby himself when Afzal was born (Jep was 1 year 9 months when Afzal was born). Fussy as a baby, beautiful as a toddler and responsible as an adult. He is the court jester of the Masarudin clan, always cracking jokes and making fun of things to lighten situations, much to everyone's pleasure. The close bond between him and Afzal was very evident. He even gave Afzal the nickname "Chemoboy" when Afzal started his chemo treatments. I believe the two of them shared many secrets.

They could pass as twins!

Today, 26 January, 2012, 1 year, 1 month and 9 days after Afzal left us, is Jep's 29th birthday. Happy Birthday Jep. I am honored to dedicate this entry to you on your birthday. I pray that Allah continues to bestow upon you His blessings and guidance so that you may live this life loving Him. Nothing pleases me more than to see you happily married and soon to be a father yourself. Alas, I am proud to have you as my son......Happy Birthday my son!...Mama.

Happy Birthday My Dear Son

2011-10-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

Celebrating Afzal's 1st birthday in Oregon, USA.

Happy Birthday my son.....Today, you would have turned 27. As always, we would celebrate it among family- Andi, Aiysha and me, because Atiqah and Papa are in K.K, maybe joined by a few other family members. But of course Papa would be the first to wish you at 12.01am, taking pains to wait up just so he could be the first to wish you. I would patiently wait for morning, giving you a birthday hug and wishing you before I go off to work, then sending sms to everyone to remind them oft your birthday.

Your favourite cake is chocolate cake, or chocolate cheese cake! That would have been your birthday cake. But then, when we last celebrated your birthday, you were already on a special diet and these normal cakes are out! Atiqah baked you special organic cupcakes, with onlyingredients that you could take....complete with its chocolate peanut butter frosting! You did not expect we could pull off a birthday cake and was delightfully surprisedwhen we came down the stairs bearing the cupcakes......It's a memory I will treasure always - your last birthday.

Happy Birthday my son, may Allah grant you the best place possible, among those deserving His love and rewards......Mama Afzal.

Afzal's 26th birthday celebration with the family in Seri Petaling.

Thank You, Afzal's Friends............

2011-09-27T02:03:00.000-07:00

Afzal's friends....there are so many of you, and I do not know most of your names. Some of your faces are familiar because you keep cropping up in Afzal's collection of photos or videos. One thing is common in these photos or videos -they all captured Afzal's smiling face. That tells me just one thing - Afzal is always happy among his FRIENDS!

When he was hospitalised in December, 2010, I did not plan to let any of his friends know. Simply because at first I did not think Afzal would stay long in the hospital and also because Afzal said there's no need to bother people. But somehow, news reached his friends and you all came from far and near, old friends, new ones and I witnessed an amazing outpouring of emotions, some more significant then others.

Before Eid-ul-Fitr comes to a close, I thought it is fitting to attach this video that Aiysha has done, which I dedicate to all of Afzal's FRIENDS out there. May Allah always guide you to the right path......Mama Afzal.

DR. MAS AFZAL TRIBUTE ( PART 1 )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBqTCwiIp14

DR. MAS AFZAL TRIBUTE ( PART2 )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atTQUDaqzRI

Allah certainly has unique ways to show His Love, I hope I will not lose my chance....

2011-07-23T02:51:00.000-07:00

I won't get to hug him like this again

This July, 2011, I turn 53.....pretty old, physically, but not necessarily wiser. Nevertheless, I feel it is high time I accord due recognition to all those responsible for the person I have become, because indirectly, they are also responsible towards how I have brought up Afzal. I relate here stories of my own humble upbringing, which I think have contributed as the basis of values I uphold, that I have passed down to Afzal and to which he has value added to form his own personality........

STORY NO. ONE - My Father (now 79 years old) taught me the meaning of Family Ties

My father, Hj. Mohamed Salleh, calls Afzal Tok Imam

He is not perfect, but he helped laid the foundation for my personality. He instilled in me the importance of doing things as a family unit. As a child, my siblings and I are taught to eat our meals together (the rationale then was because there would be enough food for everyone if meals were eaten together, but if everybody ate at their own freewill, the last to eatmight have to be satisfied with just rice and soy sauce!).

The girls in my family seldom have the pleasure of social outings with friends, especially out-of-town or overnight outings. If we really needed to go somewhere, the whole family will go together (the rationale was, we were still too young andnot ready to face the challenges oflife out there, unchaperoned!). It may not be as interesting going with the whole family, but we were not deprived of going, nonetheless.

STORY NO. TWO - My Mother (passed away 22.6.2007, at the age of 72, four years ago) taught me the meaning of Responsibility

Mom, Hajjah Zaharah Samad, when she visited us in the United States in 1986

She was a working mom (she worked as an assistant nurse). She taught me, at an early age, the meaning of responsibility.

I am the second daughter in a family of 8. I have an elder sister (by one year) and a younger sister (by one year). My fourth sister, diedat the age of 3 1/2, from Polio. My fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth siblings are all boys. My seventh brother died at the age of 13, fromThalasemia Major. My elder sister was also stricken with Thalasemia Major and died at the age of 22. While she was alive, there were times when she was too weak to shoulder much household chores, but spiritually she was strong. She passed her Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia exam, even though she missed many classes!

When I was in form 5 (1973), my mom gave birth to my eighth brother, Azmir. After 42 days of confinement and maternity leave, she had to resume work at the hospital and this create a lot of challenges because there were times when we did not have a maid inthe house! I remember when mom worked the morning shift, her working hours were from 7am to 2pm. My elder sister and I would usually come home from school at 1pm and my father (a teacher) would be back by 1.30pm. My younger sister attended afternoon school and would be the one babysitting little Azmir in the morning until my elder sister and I came home. But I also had to cook lunch! Fortunately, no family member ever complained about my cooking....either because I was a good cook or because everyone was too hungry to complain, since lunch was usually only served at 3pm!

It was even scarier when my mom had to work the night shift(her working hours were from 9pm to 7am the next day) or on weekends, because it meant I had to look after little Azmir throughout the night, feed him, change him, bathe him and put him to bed! Imagine me, 16 years old then, bathing a 43-day-old baby!

STORY NO THREE - My Siblings taught me the meaning of Sacrifice and Perseverence

Me, and my siblings : Azmir, Roslina, Ahmad Shukree and Ahmad Shahrir at his wedding

Being the "eldest" in the family, my brothers depended onme for many things while they were still studying, especially after I secured a job, got married, had a family of my own and was living in KL. Times were tough then but I am thankful that Allah gave me the strength to persevere. Whatever assistance I could give to my brothers may not have been much, but I was glad I helped them as much as I could at the time when they needed me most and I believe that formed the basis of our bonding that remained strong till today. I also believe that whatever little help I gave them back then, I am reaping the benefits now because while I lived and worked in Kota Kinabalu for 16 years and my children studied in Kuala Lumpur, I did not have to worry because my siblings were always at hand to assist them.

STORY NO. FOUR - My Husband taught me the meaning af Unconditional Love

Masarudin Mohd. Yusof - very proud father at Afzal's graduation in July, 2009

It does not matter if you are a Mother or a Father. Both play a vital part in the life of a child. There is also no need to compete for your child's affection because each parent has differentroles to perform, roles that are perfectly meant for one and not the other, complementing each other, just as Allah has decreed upon partners in a marriage.

I thank Allah for giving my children the privilege of enjoying the pleasure of both a Father and a Mother. And I thank Him too for giving me a husband who knows his responsibility and discharges them well, according to his own mould and capability. But then, I did not always feel this way............

I have had my share of frustrations and anger towards my better half. Frustrated because I feel that I have done so much, whereas he is always not at home (his job takes him out-station a lot). Angry because I felt that I have always been giving and sacrificing for the family, whereas he has not appreciated it....But how wrong was I!

Indeed, reading entries in Afzal's and Jeps's blogs has made my realize a lot of things about what kind of father my husband has been to our children. He is the very opposite of me. I am very vocal and express my feelings openly towards my children, whereas he is more reserved. I cry when I am sad, laugh loud when I am happy and nag when I am angry! He keeps his emotions in check most of the time. Throughout our marriage, I have only seen my husband cry twice...once when he got news of his father's death and another when sending Afzal off to the UK to study, in 2004....and I thought he was not a sensitive person! After Afzal left us, I have come to realize also that my husband loves his children and cherishes them more than his life! It does not matter to him if others realises that or not because he is not out to impress anyone. He is just loving his family unconditionally!

Reminiscing over all these stories make me also realise how true Afzal's words were in these Entries:

Title - "I know what you don't know (Part2)"

"...and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know." [2:216]

Titlt - "I know what you don't know (Part 1)"

".....even the Prophet couldn't initially comprehend the wisdom of Allah's planning, only to learn that his Creator is indeed the best disposer of all affairs..."

........Mama Afzal

The A List Girls in His Life...

2011-05-23T05:46:00.000-07:00

Afzal was more into sports than girls. Not that he did not like them. He oggled pretty celebrities just like everbody else. But, he once told me, "Saya nak bercinta lepas kahwin.." (I want to fall in love after marriage.."). He was a big fan of Siti Nurhaliza's songs (I suppose Siti's clean image appealed to him). He knew all her songs and sang them well too (We sang them together all the time and I never failed to post him Siti's new albums). As far as I knew, he never had any special girlfriend. I guess between football, badminton, rugby, bowling and all the other games that he played, he did not have time for anything else!

However, he was very close with three girls... Siti Nor Aiysha and Siti Nor Atiqah - his little sisters and Ainul Mardhiah - his cousin-cum third little sister!

Afzal and Aiysha

Afzal was 5 when Aiysha was born on July 12th 1989. They both grew up in Kota Kinabalu, fighting and competing like any other siblings. Yet, when Afzal left to read medicine in Sheffield back in September 2004, Aiysha was the one who was still crying long after Afzal's plane left KLIA. She did not say why she felt so sad then and I did not press her for the reason, but I think it was because it suddenly dawned on her that she was not sure when would be the next time she could cuddle up to her big brother again. Unlike the times when Afzal was studying in KL, she could always count on meeting him during semester breaks or at least during festivities or even when she herself made the trip to KL. And that made her feel like she had "lost" him. Throughout those years that Afzal studied in the UK and came back occasionally for holidays, I noticed that Aiysha would be very excited in anticipation of his return.

Aiysha is my first-born daughter. After 3 boys, we welcomed her into our family with heaps of dresses, baju kurungs and dolls! She fitted in well with her brothers,and was always close to Afzal. Both of them share the same passion for football and are great fans of Manchester United.

Afzal would send her mementos from Old Trafford's Superstore - magazines, key chains, mini radio, mufflers, figurines etc. She kept them all in her bedside locker, together with the envelopes/wrappers that came with the postage! Each time Afzal came home and there was a match with MU playing, Aiysha would stay up with her brothers, shouting and screaming (I think she screamed louder than her brothers!). She knew all the footballers' names. But Afzal said she only memorized names of the cute players!

Being a student at UPM (doing mathematics), she lives in KL and was able to meet Afzal in KLIA when he arrived on February 1st, 2010. I am so grateful that she was around because that meant an extra helping hand to look after Afzal. Aiysha proved to be such a gem. She helped brew Afzal's medicinal tea and pestered him to drink them (all 4 - 6types per day, depending on his condition), apply moisturizing cream to help with Afzal's consistent itching and gave him massages upon request. She also kept Afzal company when I was away at work and accompany Afzal when he needed to shop for things. She took so many pictures with Afzal and uploaded

a few on Facebook that some friends thought they were a couple... he.. he.. he..

Afzal and Atiqah

Atiqah's the baby in the family, born August 15th, 1994. Aiysha was 5 when she came into our lives. She was born in Kota Kinabalu. I remember when my husband brought Afzal and the rest of the brood over to meet Atiqah for the first time, their first comment was, "Wow, banyaknye rambut dia!" (Wow, she has so much hair!". Her brothers used to tease her, "...nanti kan, bila kita nak kena pindah balik KL, awak tak boleh ikut tau, sebab awak orang Sabah.... pegawai imigresen tu takkan bagi awak ikut!" (".. you know, when it's time for us to move back to KL, you can't come with us because you were born in Sabah... they'll stop you at the immigration!"). Back when she was little, this teasing used to make her cry.

Afzal adored Atiqah (well, all her siblings do actually, especially because they were already grown up by the time Atiqah was born and as such were more appreciative of a new addition to the family). I remember when Atiqah was old enough to understand and respond (about 2/3 years old), she would always be the one I'd ask to coax Afzal whenever he was angry or sulking.

Eventhough she's the youngest in the family and got all the attention and could get nearly anything that she wanted, Atiqah is no spoil brat. She is a strong-willed and good girl. When I got transferred to KL in November 2007, she refused to follow saying she was not comfortable living in busy KL.

My husband and I didn't insist. So, she stayed behind with my husband and I visit them as often as I could (before Afzal came back, I used to travel to KK nearly every weekend, but I cut it down to every fortnightly or monthly because I could not bear leaving Afzal alone in KL). Every time it was school holidays, she would travel alone, by plane, from KK to KL and back to KK. She did it on her own for the first time when she was hardly 15 years old. I was skeptical at first but it turned out fine and she has been doing it so much, she's a pro now!

Atiqah did her part to help take care of Afzal, but what surprised me most was her willingness to apply moisturizing cream, scratch and massage Afzal, every time she was in KL. It really filled my heart with pride to see my little girl doing the grown-up thing of chipping in when it mattered most - taking care of our loved ones.

Afzal was passionate about supporting the fight for Palestinian rights. When he came home a few years back, he was armed with this tiny card that held a list of brands/food outlets that he would stay away from because sales from them would contribute to buying arms to slaughter Palestinians. And of course when Afzal was around we would avoid McD, Starbucks, Burger King and a list of other frequently visited places. What tickled me most was when Afzal was not around (gone back to UK) and any of us wanted to visit these "prohibited" eateries, Atiqah would be the one to stop us "...Afzal tak suka la!" ("...Afzal would not like it!") and somehow after a while, we got used to not frequenting these places. Actually, Afzal never stopped us from frequenting whichever eateries or buying whatever brands that we chose. His principles applied to him alone. Others were free to follow only if they chose to.

Afzal and Ainul

Ainul is my younger brother's 9 year-old daughter. back when Afzal was studying in KMYS/KMYUEM, he could not always come home to KK during his semester breaks. During those times, he opted to stay at his uncle's (whom we all refer to as Paktam) place in Putrajaya. Apart from the fact that Paktam treated him like his own son, Afzal loved to stay in Putrajaya because he could bond with Ainul who was about 2 years old then. I believe Ainul helped ease his longing for Atiqah too.

These two did all sorts of things together, including watching the whole of Akademi Fantasia series. We found a CD filled with pictures of Ainul among Afzal's possessions. To Ainul, Afzal was her big brother. When Afzal left to study in the UK, he kept close contact with Paktam and Ainul through phone calls and emails and Putrajaya was a mandatory stopover each time he came back for holidays.

As fate would have it, Mak Tam got a scholarship to do her Masters in London for a year in 2009/2010. Paktam followed eventhough he had to lay off work and became a household husband for a whole year! I was thankful because it meant that family was close-by to look in on Afzal while he received his chemo. When Afzal was in hospital for his high-dose chemo treatment, even Ainul got to visit him at Royal Hallamshire Hospital. I remember when Afzal was warded at Ampang Hospital in December 2010, Ainul queried why she was not allowed to visit Afzal because she could do it in UK.

Afzal was a good influence over Ainul because he imparted all the good values on her. I remember in September 2009, when I visited Afzal, weboth went to London to help Paktam move into their new home in Mount Pleasure, Tottenham. We all went out household/grocery shopping and Afzal was in-charge of Ainul. Each time Ainul wanted to buy something, Afzal would grill her with twenty questions on why she needed the stuffs and more often than not, she would end up not buying them. I also remember one day when Afzal and me had to babysit Ainul while Paktam accompanied Mak Tam to settle matters at the university, we went out marketing. All the way back, Afzal taught Ainul to sing "How Do You Like Your Eggs in the Morning", a song for orange juice commercial that he saw everyday over TV while he was hospitalized. By the time we were nearing home, Ainul had memorised the song and just as we were about to enter the gate to the house Afzal said to Ainul, "okay, cuba baca surah Al-Fatihah pulak!" ("okay, now recite surah Al-Fatihah!"). Luckily she still remembered the whole surah.

Afzal was also close to his cousins but I believe he held these 3 girls very close to his heart. These are 3 girls that he would hug and hold hands with anytime he wished. All 3 of them are girls who are still missing him very much........

AND THEN.... a 4th girl entered Afzal's life.

Afzal and Afifah

Nur Afifah is Jep's wife, my daugher-in-law. Her father hails from Sandakan while her mother is a Terengganu lass. She was introduced into our lives back when our whole family was living in KK. She is such a lovable character that she fitted in easily when Jep married her in December 2009. Jep described her as someone "...with a very kind heart". And I agree totally.

Back when she was just Jep's girlfriend, Afzal would complain every time Jep spent more time with her then with us, his family.Afzal used to say, jokingly, "Itu la kau, melebihkan orang luar dari keluarga sendiri..." (How can you put an outsider before your own family..."). And Jep would answer, "Engkau belum bercinta bah... kau ndak faham..." ("You are not in love... that's why you don't understand..."). And as if understanding this, Fifah (as we fondly call her) was actually quite concerned about how Afzal would react to her joining the family. Of course her fears were actually unfounded. Afzal was just putting on an act to irk Jep and because to him they were not yet married, thus should abide by the restrictions between men and women as stipulated in Islam.

By the time Afzal came back in February 2010, Fifah was already a member of our household, living with me and my children because Jep was in Melbourne pursuing his PhD. She had to stay behind to finish her Master's degree. As it turned out, she was another blessing in my household because she took over taking care of Afzal while I was at work an Aiysha was in campus. Every morning, I would prepare Afzal's breakfast and medication, but she would be the one responsible to prepare Afzal's lunch and any other needs while waiting for me to come home in the evening. She is heaven sent into my life and I thank Allah for that. Afzal told me, "Saya memang selalu terfikir nak ada kakak. Saya anggap Fifah kakak saya. Tak sangka dia sanggup jaga saya macam ni..." ("I've always wanted a big sister and I now have one in Fifah. I never thought she would be willing to take care of me like this...").

So.... these are the A list girls in Afzal's life. When I reflect on all that they had done, I realised that being young is no obstacle for them to learn the meaning of sacrifice. They sacrificed their time, energy and emotion, to take care of someone they loved very much...Afzal. Sometimes as adults, we can be so full of ourselves and think that we know everything compared to our children, when in actual fact there are a lot we can learn from them too......Mama Afzal.

P/S : Thank you Eliyana Saliha Elias for giving me that much needed push to write this entry.

Afzal...Charting His Own Path In Life

2011-03-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

Afzal sending me off at the Sheffield bus station in May 2009. He was too tired to send me off to London.

One blogger was puzzled as to how Afzal's writing mirrored someone who received his education in Islamic Religious(IR) Schools and how he was able to quote verses from the Qur'an and Hadith in his writings. I will try to enlighten everyone as to how he turned out the way he did despite not going to IR schools. The last school he attended was La Salle Secondary School, Kota Kinabalu.

Afzal grew up in a very close-knit family. I am close with my parents and 4 siblings and I made sure my children are close to their grand-parents, uncles and aunts and cousins (on both sides – mine and my husband's). We visit each other often, not just during Eid celebrations. We get together for birthdays, to celebrate someone getting straight As in their exams, a new baby in the family, someone getting a new car and for any small excuse we can cook up. We even get together just because it's been two weeks since we last saw each other!

I am also very lucky because my father (a retired teacher), reads the Qur'an well. When he was young, living in Ulu Gali, Raub, Pahang, in a remote village, he liked to boast as the one who read the Qur'an the best and loudest. He used this ability to teach all his grandchildren (well, at least when we visit him or he visits us, that is). Even when we were already living in Kota Kinabalu, I would “import” my parents, especially during school holidays, so that my children could benefit from his prowess in Qur'an reading. He was always willing to teach my children to read the Qur'an. And Afzal, turned out to be his best student because he was always eager to learn.

Actually my father is a very strict teacher, even to his children (that's why my sisters and I were taught to read the Qur'an by an ustazah – a beautiful ustazah, both physically and in her mannerisms), but somehow, he's gentle with his grandchildren.

My father would also always insist that we perform our obligatory solat together, especially for Maghrib, Isya' and Subuh. At the end of these prayers, he would recite the same dua's and zikirs ( I learned Ayat Qursi from listening to him reciting it!) Learning from my father was interesting for my children because, he is also a great Scout. He would come to KK armed with tents and fishing rods. He would pitch tents in our front yard and convinced my children to sleep in them at night, pretending they are having a Scout's Camp out! (but many times my boys would escape in the middle of the night and jumped into their own comfy beds!). He would take them fishing in the Padas river (where years later, we found out, had crocodiles in it!). He would build tree houses behind our house, where the children hung out on hot Sunday afternoons and impressive little“bungalows” for their pet rabbits....at the end of these activities, he would coerce them into performing the obligatory solat and then read the Quran. Inevitably, during each prayer session, my three boys would be asked to recite the azan and Afzal never declined and did it many times. That was how Afzal was introduced to the teachings of Islam and the Quran.

But I think, he learned the most when he studied in Kolej Matrikulasi Yayasan Saad (KMYS, which then changed its name to KYUEM) in 2002. While in KMYS, he attended many talks, seminars, classes related to Islam and met many people who were preaching the words of Allah through the Qur'an and Hadith. Afzal also loved to visit book stores, especially Minerva in Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman, which sold many books on Islam. He has quite an impressive collection that now graces my book shelves in Seri Petaling. Afzal also loved going to the mosque especially for Maghrib/Isya' and Subuh prayers. Whenever he came home during holidays, he would always be asked to lead prayers in our home. Even my father would ask him to be imam....simply because he has a beautiful voice and he is also able to recite long verses from the Qur'an during the prayer. I remember my father saying “Abah pun tak pernah baca ayat-ayat panjang ni, tapi Afzal boleh hafal” (“Even I am not able to read these long Quranic versus, but Afzal recites them by heart”).

Whilst studying at KYUEM, since my family was in KK, Afzal sometimes spent his holidays in KL and stayed in my brother's house in Putrajaya. He would frequent most if not all the mosques and suraus in Putrajaya. Since he did not have a car, he rode on my brother's bicycle to get to these mosques and suraus! Afzal learnt the most about Islam and the Qur'an while studying in Sheffield. That was the time when he was greatly invloved in giving back to other fellow students, whatever knowledge and experience he had acquired, through the various talks and sharing sessions he attended.

I remember during one of those talks we had together with regards to his high dose chemo and the time when he had to stay in hospital the longest, he said “masa kat hospital kali ni, saya paling banyak tengok bende2 tak berfaedah kat TV Ma, sebab tak ada bende lain nak buat” (“this time around, while in hospital, I saw the most unbeneficial shows on TV Ma, because there was not much else to do”). He was very concerned about using his time. He would make sure he spent his free time watching or reading or doing something useful (to him, bonding with family and friends is something useful!). When he came home in February 2010, I used to pester him to update his blog and he would answer back “penat Ma nak update blog ni sebab saya kena buat research, tak boleh tulis sembarangan, kena ada bahan yang akan bagi faedah pada pembaca..” (“updating blogs is tiring Ma because I need to do research to make sure what I write will benefit my readers..”). That is why his blogs are full of verses from the Qur'an and Hadith...he looked them up and thanks to the wonders of internet, he did not have to rely only on hard copies!

I suppose, who he turned out to be in the end, was more from his own doing. At the height of his growing up (ie. from the year 2002, at the age of 17, when he left home to study in KYUEM and then proceeded to UK), he charted his own path in life. Even without the close guidance of his parents, he was wise enough to choose the right path. For that I am eternally grateful to all his friends and teachers, who became his close companions and whom Allah had fated to be the ones to help “take care“ of him....Al-Fatihah....mama Afzal.

Afzal is good with children. He was contemplating specializing in paediatrics. Here he is holding cousin, Mohamad Adam Mikhail.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS

2011-03-12T04:01:00.001-08:00

MOVING TO KOTA KINABALU

1990 was a significant year in my family’s history. 26th June 1990 marked the day my husband and I moved our family to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. My husband got a job in Kota Kinabalu that we felt would promise us better future. Though I was skeptical at first, fearing the worst since there were a lot of unknowns in the world of Borneo and the fact that it was only accessible via air travel, I decided to do the right thing and support my husband.

We uprooted our family - Andi, then 8 , Jaffri 7, Afzal 6 and Aiysha 11 months (Atiqah was born in KK, in 1994) and moved to Kota Kinabalu, which became our home until today. Looking back, I felt that was the best decision we made for the family. Sabah, generally and Kota Kinabalu specifically lacked the hustle, developments and varieties offered by our previous home, KL (in 1990 that is – come to KK now and it’s so alive!). But nevertheless, it provided something more important- peace and the ideal surroundings to bring up a young family like ours.

The original 4 that got uprooted to KK-Andi, Jaffri, Afzal & Aiysha.

We got to send all our children to school ourselves and pick them up later. We knew who their teachers, friends and friends’ families were. KK boasted of only 2 big shopping complexes then, and one of them only opened in July 1990. Thus, we knew where and with whom our children hung out. If we did not find out on our own, our friends or neighbours would inevitably relay the news to us.....These are familiar conversations we heard all the time “I saw Andi in Centre Point yesterday, with so and so”.... “what was Jaffri doing in Karamunsing last week at 8pm?”....”Afzal went bowling with my son last weekend”. And of course many times our children hang out with us (some children would be embarrassed to be found going around with their parents – not cool!).

Bringing up children is a challenge to be reckoned with. Doing it away from the hustle and bustle of the city is indeed very helpful.

I admit it was not easy trying to juggle between attending to my work and having to manage my children’s school time-table. It was especially challenging because my husband’s work involved a lot of out-station stints. But indeed Allah’s plans are beautiful and only He knows what is best. Those trying times of having to ferry my children to and from school or other places gave me the opportunity to lecture them on values and challenges in life. After listening to my lectures for the whole of their “school-going-days”, I’m sure some must have stuck in their head and remained till today. In a way, they grew up with my words guiding them.

There were times when my husband and I wondered if the decision to bring our children to Sabah was right, because by doing so we have deprived them of so many opportunities and choices that were easily available in KL. Every year we only got to bring back our family for Eid celebration (those days airfare per person was about RM800, so to bring everyone back would cost me - RM800 x 7 = RM5,600). But luckily, the Government pays for one trip every 2 years and since my husband was also a Government servant, we both enjoyed that privilege, so we all get to go back every year.

Each time we were in KL, my children would go wild with excitement over the simplest of development. They would marvel at ordinary things like sky-scrapers, double-decker buses, fast food outlets and chain stores. That made me felt so guilty and sad. To make up for the deprivation, each time I go to KL for work, I often brought home stuffs considered weird by some....McDonald burgers (before McD opened in KK) A & W waffles (things my children loves to eat), longan (longan in KK cost RM8 –RM12 a kg!), pajamas bought from Reject shop (they used to be dirt cheap but nice!) and the list goes on....

The close age-gap made them the best of friends.

AFZAL AND KK

Afzal loved food. From small, he had a sweet tooth too. He refused to bring plain water to school, so I had to make sure I’m well stocked with cordials. His favourite is orange juice (well, cordial juice). Papa would never fail to bring home Sunkist orange cordial every time he had work in KL (It’s only RM9.90 in KL, but cost RM14 in KK). He would put them in his brief case (5 bottles fits nicely in the brief case!) and hand carry it. When I ran out of cordials, I would make “air sirap”(home made, red-coloured cordial). I remember, when we came back from the U.S back in 1987, and Afzal was about 2 years old then, he did not like this red coloured cordial drink. He called it “yucky water”. He was so used to milk and orange juice in the U.S, so he could not accept a red coloured juice! I used to have a lot of problem when I brought him to weddings where they served nothing but “air sirap”. But surprisingly, he loved nasi minyak and curry or “rendang” eventhough they were spicy. Since he did not like “air sirap”, he would only drink water when we reached home.

Just as he loved food, he also loved reading. He reads all the time (well, when he was not playing football that is! That’s another great love of his). He liked to read while having his food even – a habit I tried to stop, but failed. Everytime he ate, he would grab whatever reading material available, be it books, newspapers, magazines, even flyers or cereal boxes!

Because I had 3 growing, school-going boys, I get very concerned if they did not get enough to eat at school. The solution – packed food everyday for school for everyone. When my children were in primary school, I pack them heavy food like nasi lemak, fried noodles and nuggets. But as they grew up and while in secondary school, they preferred lighter and less messy food, so I opted for sandwiches or other finger food like curry puffs and "pau". They all brought packed food to school from home everyday until they were in form five (I must say I’m so proud of them because they did not feel embarrassed eating packed food even in high school!).

I remember one day Afzal came back from school (he was in standard 4 or 5, I think), and complained that he only got to eat about 2 spoonfuls of his nasi lemak because his friends ate the rest. He then asked if i could pack him a few extra nasi lemak the next time I made them so he could give to his friends (actually I suggested he ate away from the crowd in the canteen so no one would bother him, but he said it was no use because his friends knew he always brought interesting food to school, so they stalked him!). I did just that and he came home bringing a list of orders from his friends, for more nasi lemak, instead!

Well, since I had to wake up early to prepare the nasi lemak anyway, so, why not prepare more.

Partners in crime, and always looking out for each other.

AFZAL AND MAYONNAISE

As a working mother, I was always on the lookout for quick ways to prepare good tasting and if possible, healthy foods for my children. As a precaution, I made sure that there was always bread, mayonnaise and sandwich fillings like cheese, tuna, eggs and sardines in the house. With these ingredients I could easily whip up sandwiches which were a hit with my children....or so I thought. Little did I know that Afzal did not like mayonnaise and I put them in all my tuna and egg sandwiches! He never let on about it because he did not have the heart to do so. He just took the sandwiches to school everytime I prepared them. His two brothers knew but never spilled the beans either. I only found out about it during out family chats years later, when he was already studying in Sheffield. When I asked him why he did not tell me, he said “..kesian mama dah susah2 prepare”("I pity mama already took the trouble to prepare them"). And when I asked him what he ate in school then? His answer was “..saya makan keropok je!”("I just ate some chips").

Being busy working mothers are no excuse to not attend to our children’s needs be it at school or at home. If there’s a will, there’s always a way.

Two pairs of brothers winning a bowling tournament in 2000 - Mas Jaffri/Mas Afzal Masarudin & Shahreen/Shahfie Tahir.

Afzal and Jaffri at the Inter-School Parliamentary Debate with teachers cum trainers Cikgu Wan Suriyani and Cikgu Lily Kua in 2000.

Afzal received the "Tokoh Pelajar" (Best Student) award of SM La Salle, KK in 2001-here with Andi and teacher Juliana.

.........to be continued

My baby Afzal

2011-01-16T00:58:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum wbth,

Afzal is laid to rest at the foot of his grandma's grave in Sungai Marong, Bentong. Pahang.

It has been 30 days since Afzal's passing, at 2.24am, 18th December, 2010. Memories of those 16 days I spent with him in Hospital Ampang kept playing in my head, over and over again and I thank Allah for giving me the opportunity to look after Afzal. I cannot help missing him but remembers his entry in January, 2010 titled "Time To Say Goodbye.."

The eyes tear

The heart is in pain

But (with my tongue)

I will only say that which is pleasing to Allah

Day 2 at Ampang Hospital : Afzal Performing Maghrib prayers

He only slept one night alone in hospital, since he was admitted that was on the 2nd December, 2010. After that, I was with him for 10 nights and Andi (my eldest) was with him for 6 nights. They were nights that gave me an insight into part of what he must have had to endure alone, whilst being hospitalised in Royal Hallamshire, Sheffield, U.K.

Aiysha's spa sessions : It's a routine that Afzal loves because it helps him sleep. The only problem is, he wakes up when Aiysha stops massaging him. Notice the different oxygen mask from the one he had on day 2. This is after one week when his breathing was better and he graduated to a less heavy-duty oxygen mask.

I would like for "Not the primrose path" to not fade away, but alas, it is not going to be possible for me or any member of my family to write the way Afzal writes. Allah bestows me with only one Mas Afzal. But, as I've received a few requests to pen down my experiences in bringing up my children, I thought, that would make a good start towards maintaining this blog.

I am amazed at the number of hearts that Afzal has touched during his short lifetime, something I have not succeeded in doing after more than half a decade scouring this earth. My husband and I often ask each other just what it is that he has done to warrant massive efforts by several old friends and new acquaintances to deliver kind comments and condolences via blogs, emails and fb, since his passing on December 18^th, 2010. Basically, our conclusion is that he must have gone to great lengths giving people a helping hand in their times of need, be it in the form of physical/monetary assistance or advice/suggestions, sincerely. This knowledge has made me feel at peace coping with this loss.

Afzal, 4-months old in Eugene, Oregon USA.

I felt like I carried Afzal for about 10 months before he was born on October 12th, 1984. When I was about 8 months pregnant, my husband had to leave for the United States to pursue his Masters. Since at that time, I also have 2 other young sons ( Mas Affendi/Andi – 2 1/2years, Mas Jaffri – 1 1/2 years ), we decided that I should move to Bentong and stay with my parents . I was then attached to the Ministry of Culture, Youth and Sports, with its office in Wisma Keramat, Jalan Gurney, Kuala Lumpur.

Every morning, I would take the 6 am bus from Bentong, to the Pekeliling Bus Station (its an hours journey), then walk to the Chow Kit area to get a taxi that would take me to my office. In the evening, I would usually try to catch the 5.30pm bus back home to Bentong. Every evening, my father and my two young sons would wait for me by the main road (my house is about 1 km from the main road) and each time I am not on the 6.30pm bus (either because I missed it or because it was full), my late mother would think that it's because I have given birth in Kuala Lumpur. But as fate would have it, Afzal was born in the wee hours of the morning in Bentong District Hospital, on October 12^th, 1984.

To all working mothers out there, do not use pregnancy as an excuse to slack in your work. Pregnancy is not a disease. The more active you are, the easier it is to deliver.

Never far away from his mother.

When he finally came, Afzal was a whopping 8lbs 12 ounces baby with a big voice, but I delivered him normally, without much hassle.I remember the midwives in the ward where I was staying were fighting for turns to bottle feed him because he's big, so he was so cuddly to carry. Since papa was not around when he was born, I got the priviledge of naming him (the only one among my 3 boys that I get to name exclusively).

I chose the name Afzal, after an impressive Islamic Scholar Afzal Iqbal, whom I met during an Islamic Civilisation Seminar organised by my Ministry then (but Afzal Iqbal sounded too Pakistani, so I opted only for Afzal and added the signature “Mas” to it).

When Afzal was about 3 months old, we left for Eugene, Oregon, United States and stayed there for 1 year 10 months. Taking care of Afzal was such fun. Whenever we travel in the U.S, he would sit in his car seat n “sing” himself to sleep. He loves his milk and orange juice, and he loves to follow whatever his two brothers did.

Afzal, 2-years old, back in Malaysia.

I took unpaid leave to follow my husband because I was not “qualified”(I was not confirmed in service yet then) to be given a scholarship to pursue my own Masters. When my leave expired, I decided to go home to Malaysia, eventhough my husband still had a further 3 months of studying. Since by then MAS was operating a direct flight from Los Angeles to Kuala Lumpur, via Tokyo, I felt I could cope with the long haul, while taking care of 3 young sons( Andi- 4 1/2years, Jaffri 3 ½ years, Afzal coming to 2 years).

My husband drove us to Los Angeles and I took the flight via LAX Airport. While on transit in Tokyo, we were the last passengers to leave the plane and we were also the last passengers to board the plane when it was ready to depart for Kuala Lumpur, because I had a hard time pulling my 3 mischievious boys away from the attractive toy stores at the airport. I must have been the loudest mother in the airport back then, always shouting at my sons to not stray. Being boys, it was not an easy thing for them to do. I was very lucky because my boys are very good mannered eventhough they are very, very inquisitive (always curious and eager to poke around and explore . Jaffri, the most inquisitive would lead, Andi, the ever macho brother would be the guardian and little Afzal, the ever so willing follower!). To help me make it through the flight, I brought along toys that could attract my children's attention so that they would not get bored.

So, to all young mothers out there, never use the excuse of having many young children as a hindrance to doing things or going out and living life. It's all a matter of planning and believing.

To be continued.

- Mama Afzal

She who never disappoints

2010-11-08T01:57:00.000-08:00

One might find it hard to believe that despite being a working mother, she made at least 4 trips (as far as I can remember) from Kuala Lumpur to the United Kingdom within less than a year. And no, the government doesn't pay her for the travel expenses, it all came from her own.

Just when everyone at home were making plans for the upcoming Eid-ul-Fitr celebration, she decided to skip the year's occasion, just so that her son can cherish the holy celebration with her, in the foreign land of the UK. So that she could make him her own version of lemangs, rendang and kuah kacang that her son has been sorely missing for so long.

I remembered telling myself a few years ago that when I grow up, have my own job and a secured life, I want to look after my mom. I want to give her the love and care she deserves, like the times when she took care of me ever since I was a small kid. Yet, Allah certainly has His own plans.

26 years has passed on, a grown-up adult I may be now, yet I am still reliant on my mom just like during the times when I was a little child. Suffering from cancer has made me feel just like a baby yet again, given the amount of care my mom puts on me.

When my itchiness gets unbearable, mom will always be there to apply some cream and scratch on my back just so to provide some relief.

When I feel unwell and tired, mom would sit next to me, placing her tender hands on my forehead, her body language telling me that things will be alright.

When my coughs get so violent that I get really frustrated and despaired, mom just approaches, providing that hug I badly needed to keep me strong.

And the list goes on.

Whenever mom has to go out of KL for work purposes, I would usually come along. I would either be her driver, or accompany her on the plane. If the travel is by plane, mom would take the hassle to buy an extra ticket. Over the last few months, we've made those journeys together to quite a number of places in the country; Langkawi, Kuantan, Seremban, Melaka and Genting Highlands, to name a few.

I would come along whenever mom is away solely because mom is the best person to look after this 26-year old 'boy'. She knows what foods are best for me, my do's and dont's, and what to do whenever I have my so-called 'difficult times'. In a way, I am kind of looking forward to our next trip together, waiting for my mom to announce her next work out of Kuala Lumpur.

Sometimes I wonder where mom gets the energy, patience and strength to persevere in looking after me. Ask anyone looking after a cancer patient and you'll understand why. Mom would also make sure that she never puts up an angry face in front of me, keeping check of my emotions. She understands how pivotal it is for a cancer patient not to get entangled into a lot of stress and anger.

Sometimes my mom would joked, calling me her 'big baby' whilst chatting with friends or family members. Rather than finding that humiliating, I would concur with her, as I definitely feel pampered like one. I always wonder day and night, how will I survive without my dearest mom. I will always tell myself that I have Allah and He alone is all-Sufficient. But I will also pray that Allah grants my parents good health, and the ability to remain strong in putting up with this 'big baby'.

I'm not exactly sure why I have penned this thoughts down, but I just feel the strong urge to show my deepest appreciation to my mom. My guardian. The one person in life I know will never disappoint. The one person I know who will always provide me with that unconditional love, through the thick and thin. To everyone out there, love your mom and NEVER ever break their heart. Tell them, in your own way, that you love them and that you will never trade your mom with anything in this entire world.

My 5 minutes with Dato' Haron Din

2010-10-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

Ever since my return home from the United Kingdom back in early February 2010, a lot of friends and acquaintances have been recommending all sorts of alternative treatments for my condition. It amazes me upon hearing the plethora of possible treatments other than the conventional ones (ie chemo, radiotherapy and surgery) that are available out there for cancer patients to consider from. Some have strong evidences to work against cancer based on people's testimonies while other treatments' efficacy are based purely on hearsay. From herbal supplements to Ayurvedic treatment, the list just goes on and on. Nevertheless, one advise that we receive rather quite often from concerned friends and family members is to consider Shifa' treatment, practiced by our very own renown scholar, Dato' Haron Din.

Dato' Haron Din, the founder of Darussyifa'

In essence, Shifa' treatment centers upon the usage of specific verses in the holy Quran to treat specific ailments suffered by the patients. The use of Quranic verses in curing diseases is certainly not unfamiliar or unheard of especially among the Muslims, who believe strongly in its healing powers. As has been stated by Allah in his Holy Book,

"We sent down in the al-Quran that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe, to the unjust it causes nothing but loss after loss." [Al-Isra':82]

The headquarter of Darussyifa' is located in Bangi, Selangor, which is roughly a 20 minutes drive away from where I live in Sri Petaling (given that the traffic is clear). It also has numerous branches all over the country, Sabah and Sarawak included, with a huge numbers of practitioners, most of which are students of Dato' Haron Din. The clinic in Bangi is open throughout the week except for Monday, when Dato' Haron Din conducts classes for his students. Nevertheless, most of the patients would visit the clinic on Tuesday morning, as that is Dato' Haron Din's only session throughout the week.

The main centre of Darussyifa in Bangi, Selangor.

About a month ago, alhamdulillah, I had the opportunity to attend Dato' Haron Din's clinic session and was treated personally by the person himself. The atmosphere inside the clinic on a Tuesday morning will always be in stark difference to any other day of the week. On a normal day, the centre is rarely hectic and it doesn't take long for patients to be seen by a practitioner. However, on a Tuesday morning, the centre becomes packed with people filling every spaces available inside the building. The number of patients seen within that one particular session would rise from what is usually less than a hundred people on a normal day to a staggering 200 patients! Even though the clinic session only starts at 7 o'clock in the morning, patients would come to the centre as early as 4 or 5am to get their appointment numbers. My point is, everyone wants to be seen personally by Dato' Haron Din wherever possible!

I came to the centre around 8am with my mom and Jep, and we got the ticket numbered 137. Given the sheer number of patients for that morning session, we had to wait for more than 3 hours before our number was called. The waiting definitely felt forever, but none of us felt like complaining when we entered into the treatment room and witnessed what we saw. Inside the treatment room, we could see two other patients were being treated by Dato' Haron Din, and we couldn't help but admire at the sheer strength, patience and enthusiasm shown by this 70-year old scholar. There was hardly any break in between seeing patients, and some treatment also require quite a lot of effort from Dato' Haron Din as he pats on the patient's back, or presses on the person's abdomen, for instance. We really didn't have a clue as to where does he get the stamina and energy to see 200-odd patients within just a morning session and not being affected by it. What made it even more amazing was the fact that Dato' Haron Din had only just returned from the United States less than a month before for a heart operation. SubhanAllah. I guess it's true when they say,

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”

When my turn came, I sat down right in front of Dato' Haron Din, as he read a small note containing the details of my ailment that I had filled in beforehand. I wrote in the note that I suffer from Hodgkin's disease since December 2008, had numerous chemotherapies throughout the year of 2009 but the cancer recurred in January 2010. That was all that I wrote. Having read my note, Dato' Haron Din almost instantly started his treatment by putting his hand on to my left neck, where the neck lump was present. That really surprised me as I wore a collared-shirt that morning, and thus anyone who had never seen me before would never notice the lump on my neck. But he apparently did, and I was totally surprised. Just how did he knew that I have a neck lump? Wallahua'lam!

The waiting room where patient is seated just before seeing the practitioner.

The treatment room, accommodating three patients at one time.

Dato' Haron Din currently treating a patient.

I was quite familiar with some of the verses recited by Dato' Haron Din when he placed his hand on my neck lump and one of them was from the first 2 verses of Surah al-Qalam,

"Nun. By the Pen and by that which the writers are writing, you are not, by the grace of your Lord, mad." [Al-Qalam:1-2]

I guess that is the miracle behind the verses in the Quran. From the verses recited above, nothing was mentioned about curing or healing an ailment, yet for the ones with the knowledge, they know such verses can be used in the treatment of cancer. SubhanAllah. May Allah grant all of the us the ability to understand and comprehend the meanings of the verses in the al-Quran!

The treatment session was less than 5 minutes, which didn't seem worth the waiting of more than 3 hours. Yet we would never complain, and were very thankful that we had the opportunity to personally meet Dato' Haron Din. We left the centre at about 1130am feeling grateful and satisfied, and we shall now leave all matters to Allah. Insha Allah, we would definitely consider revisiting the centre again sometime in the future as a follow-up to my treatment, should health permits.

A few interesting facts of note about Darussyifa; it doesn't charge its patients a single penny for all their treatment, and the centre is not only visited by Muslims patients but non-Muslims alike, as I have witnessed myself during my visit to the clinic.

I pray to Allah that He grants Dato' Haron Din good health, so that he can continue performing the noble work he does for the Ummah. Amin ya Rabbal 'alameen!

Wallahua'lam.

Ramadhan : My personal 'struggle'

2010-10-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

"Ramadan is the month in which the Qur'an was sent down : this Book is a perfect guidance for mankind and consists of clear teachings which show the right way and are a criterion of Truth and falsehood. Therefore from now on whoever witnesses it, it is obligatory on hire to fast the whole month, but if one be ill or on a journey, he should make up for the same number by fasting on other days. Allah desires to show leniency to you and does not desire to show any hardship. Therefore this method is being shown to you so that you may complete the number of Fast days and glorify Allah for the Guidance He has shown to you and be grateful to Him." [2:185]

.............................................................................

I could still remember vividly an ironically fond memory almost a year ago, when I was being told off by my housemate who disagreed with the act I had committed. It was the middle of Ramadhan during then, and I had decided to fast even though I was only just discharged from the hospital two days back for one of my chemotherapy sessions. Being a concern housemate, he thought I was not being fair to my body and reminded me of the leniency Allah has provided for the sick during the fasting month. He was right. My body was still so weak that I couldn't even last half a day fasting. In the end, I missed half of the Ramadhan as a result of my treatment.

A year on, and alhamdulillah I had the opportunity to embrace Ramadhan 1431. By the end of it, I am ever thankful to Allah that for His Mercy, I had managed to fulfill three main aims I had outlined prior to Ramadhan:

i. To make up for the whole 14 days of fasting I had missed during the previous Ramadhan before the arrival of Ramadhan 1431.

ii. To try and complete the whole 30 days of this year's Ramadhan.

iii. To fast for 6 days in the month of Shawwal.

To some, achieving the aforementioned aims might be as easy as a walk in the park. But being in the state I am, I remembered how happy, relieved and thankful I was when the Athan for Maghrib was called upon on the 6th day of my fast in the Shawwal month. I had managed to achieve all three objectives I had set for myself. The athan signified a rather sweet personal victory, having inevitably experienced some difficulties during the fasting period.

Admittedly, during the fasting period, my body tends to get tired quicker and I therefore had to limit my physical activities during the day. As I find myself knackered quite easily by dawn, I had to content myself with performing most of my teraweh prayers at home rather than making the trip to the masjid. I was definitely not as strong as I was in the past, which frankly was quite frustrating. But I never let such thoughts to put me off from doing as much as I could during the blessed month. And by the end of it, I really thought I had fared better than what I initially expected in terms of the 'ibadah I had planned to perform. Alhamdulillah. The way I see it is quite simple; if you can't do some, don't leave everything. I was definitely not fit enough to make it for regular teraweh prayers at the masjid, but that didn't mean I can't perform it at home. I believed it was that simple principle that kept me strong throughout the fasting period, and it paid off by the end of it.

On a disclaimer note, I am in no way trying to advocate to anyone that one should still force him/herself to fast despite being ill. At the end of the day, only oneself knows his body better and he should make the decision as to whether he is fit enough to fast or not. The permissibility to abstain from fasting due to ill health is certainly a leniency Allah has provided for His servants, and one should never try to make things difficult. Allah stated clearly in His Holy Book:

يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلاَ يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ

"...Allah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make things difficult for you..." [2:185]

I believe that people living with cancer should never have a negative perception that they will never be able to perform fasting during Ramadhan any longer, or performing certain 'ibadah in the Deen that might seem to require a big portion of effort or energy from the person. The important thing that should be borne in mind is that all these acts can still be performed, but understandably there might be some shortcomings as compared to the ibadah of a healthy person. Thus, accept and embrace these shortcomings and insha Allah, it will not hit you too hard when you find yourself not being able to perform some of the things you used to do in the past, when you were free from the disease.

As I have always said in the past, cancer is a word and NOT a sentence. Don't let it control your life. What more the life of a Muslim.

Wallahua'lam.

A very special Eid

2010-09-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

1. Customary it is in my big family in Bentong, Pahang that on the 1st day of Shawwal, after the Eid prayers, that everyone will gather at the main living room in the house. It is the time where Eid wishes are extended and everyone warmly embracing each other, seeking for forgiveness from any wrongdoings that one may have committed against another. For the young ones, it is also a time each of them would look forward most as they receive their 'duit raya'.

2. It had been 6 years since I was last involved in such a session, thus I definitely found the occasion this time around slightly more profound than usual. But the one very emotional moment that will forever remain ingrained in my memories was definitely the time when I shook my mom's hand and we hugged each other.

3. To me personally, the hug felt like a hug of sheer relief and gratitude. And I think my mom probably shared the same thoughts too. We just remained silent in our embrace, taking all our emotions in, letting the tears run down our eyes, sobbing heavily. It was sheer relief that after everything that has happened in the last 2 years with me being tested with the big C, I am finally reunited with my mom and dearest family for an Eid celebration. It was also a hug of gratitude, that despite the circumstance of my disease, Allah has allowed me to cherish yet another Eid with the ones I love most.

4. Celebrating Eid this year was like tasting a very sweet victory, having battled my way through the month of Ramadhan beforehand. Fasting during the recent Ramadhan was quite a battle for me, given my health. Although some suggested that I don't push it if fasting was affecting my health, I just couldn't tell myself to concede to defeat. What more having missed more than half of my Ramadhan last year as a result of chemotherapy treatments. That certainly spurred me a lot, and alhamdulillah, I succeeded in my so-called battle. Thus the celebration of shukr when Eid eventually came.

5. Insha Allah in the coming entries, I plan to share my personal experience of fasting despite my health circumstance, which I found was almost like a 'jihad' in its whole experience. I would also like to apologize for not posting any entries for quite a long while, which was down to commitments during Ramadhan as well as health circumstance. Nevertheless, I thank those who kindly dropped by with a message or email to check on my well-being, may Allah reward you for the actions. I seek everyone's support and du'a, may Allah provide us with the strength and istiqamah to remain as obedient servants of Rabbul Jalil.

6. May the momentum we have built during the blessed month of Ramadhan will be carried on not only in this Shawwal but also the upcoming months. May Allah accept our deeds and grant us His forgiveness, for only Him can save us from the torments of Hellfire, naudzubillah. I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone Eid Mubarak and Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.

Happy Eid everyone!

p/s: Pictures courtesy of my dearest brother, Mas Jaffri Masarudin.

Ramadhan O Ramadhan!

2010-08-04T01:52:00.000-07:00

"Allahumma balighna Ramadhan. Allahumma balighna Ramadhan. Allahumma balighna Ramadhan."

There I was all by myself, supplicating earnestly in my du'a, praying that Allah allows me to reach yet another Ramadhan in my 25 years of life. Living with cancer has made the du'a even more profound to me, as one becomes more uncertain as to whether he gets to live for yet another day. Having said that, such thought shouldn't just be borne in the minds of people with life-threatening disease but rather every Muslims. We all know that death can come to us at any point of time and without any preceding signs. Thus a perfectly healthy soul might just miss this upcoming Ramadhan when ironically a terminally-ill patient might embrace yet another.

I am currently still making up for the fasting days I had to miss last Ramadhan when I was having my chemotherapy treatment in late August 2009. I missed more than half of last year's Ramadhan as a result of my treatment. When people asked me how does it feel to fast in my current state, I admitted that it was slightly harder than normal at the beginning. The body just feels a bit weaker, and I could feel quite hungry even though it was just 12 o'clock in the afternoon. Nevertheless, I can only thank Allah that I am gradually adapting with time, and I just have to tell myself to slow down slightly during the day whenever I'm fasting. Insha Allah, come Ramadhan, I hope I will be strong enough to embrace the blessed month, just like anyone else!

As I was chatting with my mom during sahoor last Monday, I was reminded of the fact that this will be the first time after 6 years that I will be celebrating Ramadhan in Malaysia, insha Allah. A fact I had almost forgotten, and I must admit that it is an experience I really look forward to, having celebrated the fasting month in a foreign land for a relatively long period.

I genuinely feel that the opportunity to embrace this upcoming Ramadhan will provide me with the extra strength I sorely needed in my battle against this nasty cancer. The physical strength I needed to get on with my daily routine, and more importantly, the spiritual strength I needed to protect me from giving up against my relentless adversary, the big C. I wish I will be able to take strength from the fact that fasting in Ramadhan has never been a factor to slow Muslims down, as history has shown of the glittering success we achieved during this blessed month:

1. Muslims battled to glory in the Battle of Badr in spite of their numerical disadvantage. The battle took place on the 17th of Ramadhan, in the second year post-Hijrah.

2. The conquest of Makkah (Fath-ul-Makkah) happened during the month of Ramadhan, 8H. 10,000 Muslim soldiers, spearhead by our beloved Prophet Muhammad PBUH, battled against the Mushrikeens of Makkah.

Alhamdulillah, yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend an enlightening talk in KGPA, Damansara by Imam Suhaib Webb, a renown scholar based in America, entitled "What if this is my last Ramadhan?". Suffice to say, the talk was very inspiring and insha Allah should spur everyone who were present to increase their deeds come this blessed month of Ramadhan. Thus, before I sign off, I thought it'd be a great shame not to share some important tips the shaykh has left us with:

1. On top of the specific ibadahs (ie solat, reading the qur'an, qiamullail, etc), don't forget to consider performing some of the other recommended acts including rekindling familial bonds and visiting the sick, among others.

2. Stay away from being involved in arguments, as such acts can prompt us to speak foul of others. One interesting argument that often occurs during Ramadhan is the number of rakaats one should perform in his/her Tarawih prayers. On whether it is 8 or 20. Avoid getting yourself entangled in such arguments, as it will bring few benefits and only bitter relationships of one Muslim brother to another!

3. To sincerely seek repentance (tawbah) from Allah. Encourage oneself to wake up during the early hours of the day to perform Tahajjud prayers, and seek for the forgiveness of Allah from the major sins we have committed. Being all alone with Allah during the darkness of the early hours should hopefully increase the khushu' (concentration and humbleness) in our ibadahs.

4. Set at least a few to-achieve-objectives during this blessed month. For instance, I want to be able to memorise the whole of Surah As-Sajdah and Surah Al-Mulk by the end of this month. Or I want to finish reciting the whole 30 juz of the Quran by the end of Ramadhan. Or I want to wake up for Qiamullail at every other day during this Ramadhan. Outlining objectives that need to be achieved should provide us with the extra motivation to increase our 'ibadah during this month of Ramadhan, insha Allah.

O Allah, let us reach this Ramadhan!

Losing a friend

2010-07-22T03:39:00.000-07:00

I firstly would like to apologize for not posting any entries in my blog for the past 2 weeks. Not that I have lost the enthusiasm to write, or that time has been running rather tight lately. My health has not been at its best recently, and given the lymphoma I suffer from, it is understandably more difficult for the body to starve off any infections as compared to a healthy person. Sickness is always an opportunity for the cleansing of the sinful soul, and I pray that Allah forgives me for the wrongdoings I have committed.

Two days back, my heart wrenched with sheer sadness having heard that one of our fellow cancer fighter, Kak Dalilah Tamrin has passed on. Almarhumah Kak Dalilah, famously known for her Onebreastbouncing blogspot, will always be a person every cancer sufferers look up to for source of strength and motivation. Almarhumah died of breast cancer.

The one thing I will always remember of arwah Kak D was when she emailed to me a document containing the verses in the Quran that should be read by cancer sufferers as a form of remedy (shifaa'). During then, we had never met or known each other personally, yet having found out about my blog, she took the 'responsibility' to share. In Arwah Kak D, I found the marks of a true friend.

Losing a fellow cancer fighter is never easy to swallow for any of us with similar predicament. Cliche it may sound, her lost was similar to losing a fellow comrade in a war against your enemy. And losing Kak D, in particular, was almost like losing the one soldier you bet against faltering in any battle, the strongest soldier in your batallion. Her loss, somehow tainted the strong hope every cancer fighter has on battling against their disease, affecting our fortitude and perseverance.

To the family of almarhumah Kak D, many condolences and may Allah grant all of you the patience of a Mukmin (believer). Indeed, the passing on of Kak D serves to remind us yet again that death is a MUST for each and every one of us, and woe to those who remain oblivious to his/her preparation for the Hereafter having heard and seen such a clear SIGN from Allah. May we not fall into such traps, naudzubillah.

For such loss, never forget to say "Innalillahi wainna ilaihi rojiuun', reminding ourselves that we all belong to Allah and it is to Him indeed that we shall return. Emulating the story of Ummu Salamah (one of Prophet Muhammad's wife) as recorded in Tafsir Ibn Kathir, one should not forget to supplicate the du'a below whenever they are tested with the lost of their loved ones.

اللَّهُمَّ أْجُرْنِي فِي مُصِيبَتِي وأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا

"Allahumma ajurnii fii musibatii wakhlifli khoironminha." [O Allah! Reward me for my loss and give me what is better than it.]

Ummu Salamah recited the du'a having heard the news of the death of her husband, Abu Salamah. By Allah's will, the loss of her husband was later compensated with a person better than she could ever imagine. It was the Prophet Muhammad, Peace Be Upon Him. SubhanAllah.

To Arwah Kak D, the lost of you shall remind me that my time will eventually come too, and I hope that both of us will meet each other in Jannah, insha Allah. And to the family of arwah Kak D, may Allah reward all of you with what is better than the loss.

Wallahua'lam

Can you feel His Love?

2010-07-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

Now and again, I engage myself into a so-called 'retrospective session'. Thinking about the many whys for all the things that have been happening to me ever since I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkins Lymphoma back in December 2008. Asking myself why have I suffered this disease at the first place, having been so fit and healthy previously. Asking myself why have the cancer relapsed so soon after my initial chemotherapy sessions finished back in June 2009. Asking myself why hadn't the stem cell transplant I had back in December 2009 work.

Not that I'm questioning Allah's plannings on me. Rather the whys I made up for myself were more towards making sure that I don't repeat the same mistakes that could have possibly lead to all this. Making sure that if 'X' had been one of the causes for the immediate relapse of this cancer, then I would need to eliminate 'X' as part of my holistic approach against the disease.

Try as I might, more often than not, I fail to figure out most of the answers to my whys. Which makes it quite frustrating, as it feels like you've run yourself into a stumbling block, preventing you from reaching the end of the path you're threading. Having said that, it's true when they say that in every cloud there will always be a silver lining. And I believe that I've found my silver lining.

I believed that, although I may never know the answer to all my whys, at least I do know that God has used this illness to show me His great love. Thus the saying, "Allah certainly has unique ways to show His love".

When I made the decision to continue my treatment in the UK back in July 2008, there were concerns financially. By July 2008, I was no longer funded through scholarships by my sponsor, thus I had to rely on the savings I have in my bank account. That was when Allah showed that I should put my trust on Him alone. My friends, all over the UK and Ireland, started a donation drive and by the end of it, managed to collect a few thousand pounds to help me during my stay in the UK for treatment. Not only that, I could use the money to support some of the travel expenses incurred by my family members who came from Malaysia to accompany me every now and again when I had my treatment.

Not only that, when I was recovering at home from a recent chemotherapy session, people would come on a daily basis to bring meals. I never had to worry about what to eat, as the Malaysian community in Sheffield had kindly prepared a roster-like list of people in charge of bringing over foods during my recovery period at home.

When I could not go to the masjid due to my health, I often felt like the masjid was brought to me. An astounding number of people supplicated for my well-being and continued to do so in each of their prayers. I can feel Allah's love showering down on me via the endless prayers of His servants.

The one day when I truly felt Allah's great love was the day when the masjid organised a farewell-like gathering for me the night before I left Sheffield for Malaysia back in January 2010. The main praying area of the masjid was full with people, you hardly notice any empty spaces. What made it more emotional to me was the fact that it wasn't just Malaysians who came, but also Arabs, Asians, Turkish, to name a few. All in the name of Muslim brotherhood. It certainly was a gathering I'd never forget, one that will remain embedded in my heart.

Even when I have returned to Malaysia for good since February 2010, I can still very much embrace Allah's endless love emanating through the support and assistance of His servants. Every now and again, friends be it old or new come by to pay a visit and say their well wishes. Not only that, a lot of the alternative treatments I'm currently on are recommendations I received through phone calls, emails and text messages from fellow friends and acquaintances. Some suggestions even came from people I hardly know of, who kindly offered their help having found out about my plight. I took all these as reflection of the beautiful blessings of Allah, one that teaches me a valuable lesson in life:

I can only find contentment in my trial and tribulation by putting any negatives aside, and start thanking Allah for the blessings He has showered me with.

Being able to feel Allah's love embracing me has been pivotal in keeping my strength during my times of ups and downs. Which is why I have always reminded myself to not act in ways where I might possibly 'lose' the eligibility of receiving such love. Therefore, I know I need to remain:

1. Steadfast, for Allah loves the steadfast.
“…God loves those who are steadfast” (Surah Al-Imran, 3:146)

2. In reliance to none other but Him alone.
“…God loves those who put their trust in Him” (Surah Al-Imran, 3:159)

3. Avoid committing sins, and to immediately turn to repentance.
“…God loves those who repent to Him, and He loves those who keep themselves clean” (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:222)

When you feel like everything seems to go against your way, just take 5 minutes to sit down and reflect on all the blessings you have in life, and the things that actually went your way. May then, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.

Wallahua'lam.

Thank you was all I need

2010-06-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

"Thank you for contributing, Sir. And thanks for listening too."

I replied, briefly, "You're most welcome, do keep up the good work," and with a big smile, I left the Chinese lady I was talking to, who is a fundraiser for The Budimas Charitable Foundation. BUDIMAS is a renown organisation in Malaysia, heavily involved in the care of orphaned and underprivileged children in the country.

I was approached by the lady who was at her Budimas booth, just as I was about to enter into the Cold Storage supermarket in Subang Parade. As our conversation ended and I made my way into the supermarket, I suddenly thought to myself about her very last sentence to me before we parted ways.

"...And thanks for listening too."

Those few words might not mean anything to some, but I took it quite profoundly for unknown reasons. To me, it showed the deep appreciation of the fundraisers to the people who actually did spare a few of their precious minutes to stop, and listen to what they have to say. I'm sure the fundraisers must have gotten so used to people ignoring them, passing by them as if they are not there.

That was when I told myself, "I think I should I thank you instead. For persevering to approach people even though mostly ignored you. For persevering to do a noble cause for the benefit of someone else and not just for yourself.". I will always have a soft spot for altruism.

..............................................................................

Last weekend, I was privileged to be invited as the main speaker in a summercamp event which took place in Sungai Congkak, Hulu Langat. The event, called "Weekend with AJ" with the main theme, "Transformers : Rise of The Fallen", was participated by Malaysian university students from both local and foreign (ie United Kingdom and Ireland) institutions. The event was organised by a group of aspiring Malaysian students from Cork, Ireland who named their association as AtapHijau. The other invited speaker was my dearest friend, Imran Koyube, who is the current President and co-founder of the impressive ILuvIslam.

I was entrusted with the responsibility of delivering talks on 4 different topics, with my sessions being on Saturday morning and evening, as well as Sunday morning. Even though I could claim to be quite used to giving talks to vibrant youths via my personal experiences in the past, never have I been asked to become the main speaker for an event, and to deliver as many as four talks. Given the fluctuating state of my health condition, I was slightly concerned that I wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations of the organizers. What more, the organizers seemed to have done tremendous work in ensuring that the event would be a successful one, thus I know the talks must be equally impressive to achieve the objectives already listed.

Even though there were slight doubts on whether I would be able to cope given my health condition, I believed I could do this. An immense task it seems, the thought of contributing my part in developing my society just seemed an opportunity too hard to resist. A similar situation happened back in December 2009, when I decided to accept the invitation to give a talk in a winter camp event in Birmingham, United Kingdom, just a few weeks after having my high dose chemotherapy and autologous stem cell transplant. I just love the thought of 'giving' to others, thus providing me with the strength to withhold any challenges that might come my way.

The main challenge I discovered in delivering my talk in Sungai Congkak was the travels I had to make, which had its toll on my stamina. I decided to commute to Sungai Congkak on both days of my talk instead of staying at the event's accommodation for two reasons; i)my strict diet regime makes it easier for me to have my meals at home. ii)I was worried that I might not get good rest at the venue's accommodation and thus possibly affecting my performance to deliver the talks.

Every trip would take me about 45 minutes, longer if the traffic was congested. On Saturday, I made 4 trips altogether, back and forth, that by the time I reached home that night, I was totally knackered. Tired I was, I still had to finish up the powerpoint slides for the next day's talk and I must admit, a sense of frustration almost crept in. I almost blamed it on my cancer, believing that the Mas Afzal 3 years ago, free from cancer, would never struggle with this sort of pace.

But that was when I put such negative thoughts aside, and reminded myself to be thankful to Allah that in spite of my condition, I am not bed-ridden, in fact I'm well alive and kicking. That's more than I can ask, given my state. Eventually, I opened up my laptop and got on with completing my slides for the next day. Aiysha, my dearest sister, kindly enough gave me a therapy massage of my head and shoulder just to ease the accumulating tension building in my head. Mom, as usual, provided me with the words of encouragement. That's what families are for, aren't they?

Aiysha, my lil sis.

In the end, I was generally satisfied with the talks I've delivered throughout the two days. There will inevitably be some loopholes here and there in my presentation, but these are always rooms for improvements. All I can hope for is that the participants, the youthful leaders of our future, have benefited from the content of my talks and are inspired to play their part to the society.

I wish I could tell each and everyone of them, that

If I am not letting this terminal cancer of mine stopping me from 'giving' to humanity, then what more for them, all fit and well. Let us all RISE to glory!

When some of the participants came up to me personally before I left the place and said, "Terima kasih abang," that was all that I needed to rejuvenate my tired mind, body and soul. Looking at their bright faces and witnessing the exuberance radiating from it is a therapy to the pain I suffer from my cancer. I guess it's true what they say, it is in giving that we actually receive. We receive the satisfaction in life. We receive the true meaning of being alive, that is to be of benefit to others.

And the best people are indeed those who are most helpful or beneficial for other people. Allah knows best.

The man of few words

2010-06-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

When I was a young, innocent 7-years old boy, I remembered how unsure I was about what I wanted to become when I grow up. Back during our days in the primary school, there would be a time during the year when all the students had to fill in a card, where we would update our personal details, and list a few of our ambitions, among others.

Unlike some people who have always wanted to become a doctor, lawyer or a pilot ever since they were young, I was rather clueless. Thus, every year, my ambition was never the same, they kept on changing again and again.

Darjah Satu [Year One]
1st - Wartawan [journalist]
2nd - Polis [police]
3rd - Kakitangan Kerajaan [government official]

Darjah Dua [Year Two]
1st - Peguam [Lawyer]
2nd - Jururawat [Nurse]
3rd - Doktor [Doctor]

Darjah Tiga [Year Three]
1st - Askar [Soldier]
2nd - Perdana Menteri [Prime Minister]
3rd - Pelakon [Actor]

Obviously the one listed above was roughly what I could remember almost 20 years back and thus a possible discrepancy from what I actually wrote down. Nevertheless, it showed my take on what I would want to become in the future back then.

It was only clear that I wanted to become nothing else but a doctor when I was 17 years old, when previously I kept on changing from dreaming to become a judge, a lawyer, even a singer at times, etc. When I passed my SPM [GCSE-equivalent] with flying colors, it further reinforced my ambition to become a doctor and I never looked back ever since.

Ask every doctor and they'll have their own reasons why they wanted to become one. So did I. In fact, I have quite a few reasons. And one of it, is not just for my fulfillment, but rather for my beloved dad.

I believed, and purely assumed, since he never really voiced it in front of us, that he wanted to see a doctor among his children. Even till now, I can't really prove whether my assumptions are true or baseless. I never knew why he never said it straight to us [that he wanted at least one of us to become a doctor], but I believe it signifies the type of a person he is. High hopes he has on his children to become successful people in the future, yet he will not heap the unnecessary pressure on us. The pressure that many parents might put on their children's shoulder to be successful.

"You must be a doctor, just like your cousin, bla bla bla..."

"I want you to become a lawyer, so you should work hard at school and stop playing around!"

No wonder a lot of children faltered to the unnecessary expectations of their parents. Some even resorted to taking their own lives, naudzubillah! May Allah protect my family from such situations!

As Jep rightly stated in his entry, Papa allowed us the right to grow up at our own pace. Yes, when it came to our academics, he'd rarely compromise on success, expecting us to do well in our examinations. But at the same time, I would always remember Papa as the one who prompted us into loving sports so much.

Being a good footballer himself, Papa would bring us to the football stadium back when Malaysian football was relatively more entertaining than how it is now.

He would take us into swimming classes, tennis lessons, golf driving course and badminton courts. When we developed the interest on tenpin bowling, and became quite serious with the sport, Papa adapted. He went to play bowling with us, gradually improving with every game, even occasionally defeating us even though we were better trained in the sport than him.

That is our Papa. He, in short, is a man of few words. He rarely shows his emotions in front of his kids. He is not the type of person who hugs or embraces you with tears running down the eyes, nope. I guess he leaves that to Mama. Mama deals with the emotion-bit. =)

I am certainly not the type of person who fully approves on special days for your mom, or dad, or your grandfather, etc. Not that I am being an ungrateful son, but I believe such days actually stemmed from the shrewd ideas of some money-making people. Those involved in making cards, cakes, etc. When it's Mothers Day, people will flock these shops to get a card for their mom. And when it's Fathers Day, they'll follow the same routine again. Imagine how much money do they make at the end of the day.

Having said that, I am still quite thankful that such a day exists. Because I, rather shamefully, often forgets to appreciate how indebted I am to my parents. For their unconditional love. For the sacrifices they would take for their children's sake. For the prayers they make day and night for our success in this world and the Hereafter. And at least this day has reminded me again about my Papa.

I was watching a program on TV1 a few hours ago, and was left with teary eyes when they showed a clip containing the faces of fathers all over Malaysia, with the song "Lelaki Ini" by Anuar Zain on the background. I guess the song really goes well with the clip, and would touch the heart of anyone who listens to it.

Try watching pictures of you and your dad, and play this song as the background. I'd be surprised if you don't even feel like shedding a tear.

"Hanya dirimu, yang bertaktha dalam sanubariku..."

Thank you Mr Masarudin bin Yusof. Thank you Papa.

To hope and pray

2010-06-17T03:57:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulillah, the PET scan I underwent last Tuesday went well. The routine was pretty much similar to the ones I had back in Sheffield, except that I was being kept in the waiting room for almost an hour post-scan. I played that down to the fact that I was 'radioactively positive' and thus the need to be separated from the public for a while, in particular from pregnant women and babies. Whereas in Sheffield, I was allowed to be discharged right after the scan finishes. They only reminded me to avoid being in close contact with the two aforementioned group of people, and not to return home using the public transportation, ie bus.

Mom took a day off work, accompanying me to the hospital. She didn't have to do much, well, she couldn't even be next to me during the scan for obvious reasons, but her presence was enough to bring a calming influence in me. Things were obviously different when I was under treatment back in the UK. I obviously couldn't expect my friends to be around all the time whenever I'm in the hospital, and therefore there were many occasions when I had to face things all by myself.

That's what families are for. Through the thick and thin, you can bet your money on them putting their hands around your shoulder, always being there for you.

“When you look at your life the greatest happiness are family happinesses”

Nevertheless, there is something good about the healthcare system in the UK that I'm already starting to miss sorely here in Malaysia. Back in England, the National Heath Service (NHS) bears the full cost of my treatment. Be it the chemotherapies, the numerous PET and CT scans I had, and the countless days I spent in the hospital. Everything comes FREE of CHARGE. It's difficult to imagine how would I cope financially had the NHS not bear the full cost of my treatment, which in total must have been at least thousands of pound sterlings, if not more.

However, things are different here. Although the government still subsidizes a portion of the cost of treatment, most of it will have to be borne by the patients themselves. It's not too bad if one works as a government servant as they can then waive off the cost of treatment using their respective Guarantee Letter (GL). As for myself, I can't use my mom's GL due to my age. As far as I understood it, one is allowed to use his/her GL to cover the treatment cost of his/her parents or his/her children who are under the age of 21 (if I'm not mistaken).

Doctors working in public hospitals in Malaysia also have their respective GLs. Thus, the staff in the hospital was rather surprised when I told her that I wanted to pay for the PET scan.

"Doktor tak ada GL ke? Mahal juga nak bayar scan ni." [Don't you have a GL, doctor? This scan is quite expensive.]

"Saya tak kerja lagi cik. Jadi saya takde GL." [I haven't started work yet, thus I don;t have my own GL.]

I am still currently jobless for two reasons. Health reason is obviously one of it, although I believe that if given some leniency in my working hours and workload, I could still possibly serve the people. The second reason, however, is slightly beyond my control. The Malaysian Medical Council (MMC), have informed me that they will only grant me the license to practice once I show my updated medical reports and can prove that I am fit to work.

A lot of people have been asking whether I have started work. I wish I could say yes, but the circumstances are slightly difficult. It's not like I'm dying to start work, as obviously my health is the main priority at the moment. But I guess that's what happens when people kept on asking the same question again and again; "Mas dah start kerja ke?" [Have you started work, Mas?]

Now and again, on Facebook, I read posts by my fellow colleagues who shared their experiences at work, seeing patients, performing procedures, being told off by their seniors, etc. Or news about my juniors who have passed their finals, and have started talking about which hospital they would want to work in. Part of me is happy for all the good news of my dearest friends (or sympathizes for the bad days of the doctors I know personally), but the other half also wishes I could experience them myself.

Sweet memories of my graduation. July 2009, Sheffield.

But I know I need to get rid of such feelings, as it only makes me a very ungrateful servant of Allah. Have I forgotten, that by not working just yet, Allah has given more time for my body to get the rest it deserves? And that I get to spend more time with my family after being away for 6 years? And that it is possible that should I start work, the stress of my job will only exacerbate my condition?

All I can do now, is to keep praying to Allah, that He grants me cure from the disease if that is what He has planned for me. And difficult it might be, I just have to push myself to keep reading my medical textbooks, so as to prevent my knowledge from rusting. I am not going to give the time and space for myself to sit purposeless, wondering when will the time come when I will get to don the white coat again.

The results of my PET scan should be up in a week's time. Let's hope and pray that better things are to come. I'm quite eager to know the current state of my disease since the last time I underwent a PET scan, about 6 months ago. Wondering if the alternative treatments and my diet changes have provided positive responses or not.

O Allah, to You alone I seek help, and I leave all matters to none other but You!

Adapting to changes

2010-06-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

"Makan buah je ke Mas?" [Are you just having fruits, Mas?]

"Ini je makanan yang boleh dimakan. Takpe, mak dah masakkan makanan kat rumah." [Well, these are the only foods I can have here. It's fine, my mom's made some foods for me back home.]

Such question very often would pop up during any of the kenduri kahwin (wedding receptions) that I've visited these past few weeks. And I reckon similar question might arise again in my next visit to a friend's kenduri.

Rendang daging.

Ayam masak merah.

Kari kambing.

Nasi minyak.

And the list goes on. The foods mentioned above are almost always the typical menu of a Malay's wedding kenduri. Mouth-watering they certainly are, I had to teach myself to abstain from eating such foods. Ever since I made the decision to adopt a rather 'healthier' diet regime back in March, I have started to develop a rather unusual routine whenever I attended a wedding kenduri.

Mom's always been the staunch supporter of my new diet regime. In every way possible, she improvises a lot in order to not let my diet regime affect my daily activities. When I want to attend a wedding kenduri, for instance, mom would usually prepare my foods in advance. So that I can either eat them before or after attending the ceremony, or sometimes even bringing the foods to the kenduri itself. If the ceremony is held in a way where it's inappropriate for me to bring my own foods, then I'll just have the fruits served during the occasion, even abstaining myself from the sweet air sirap in offer, taking plain water instead.

Foods served during a Malay wedding ceremony are usually iressistable!

Some might argue that wedding kenduri does not happen often, thus the license for people to just enjoy the foods in offer. But in Malaysia, I frankly feel that such rule doesn't really apply. Wedding ceremonies mushrooming everywhere, especially during school holidays. I sometimes joke to my mom, telling her that what we really need in a Malay wedding ceremony is a sphygmomanometer to measure the blood pressure, and a blood glucose measuring kit, to measure the sugar in the blood. Those with high blood pressure and blood sugar levels should then be told that they are only allowed to munch on the vegetables, rather than the sumptuous rendang daging or kari kambing! Well, I wonder if one would even give such an idea a consideration in their wedding kenduri!

Packing my foods whenever we go out is no longer an unfamiliar routine. I might have decided to adopt for a healthier diet regime, but unfortunately a lot of the restaurants and food outlets in most shopping complexes don't follow suit. Apart from only a few food outlets known to serve good foods (ie no additives, MSG, additional flavorings, etc), it's extremely difficult to find one that suits my diet.

I must admit, adapting to my new changes was initially difficult, and it actually still is. Imagine walking along in a shopping complex, on your left is Krispy Kreme, and on your right is Baskin n Robbins. As you march ahead, you drop by at a bakery shop, and all you can find are sweet pastries and cupcakes. Everything around you just seems so tempting, yet you know you can't have them as such foods are not going to be of any help in the battle against your cancer!

Sometimes even my family members are kind enough to make sure that they eat the 'junk foods' behind my back. It's funny how depressing it sometimes feel when you aren't able to enjoy the 'unhealthy foods' you used to love in the past. Difficult it might be, I know I have to adapt. Life is all about adapting to situations around you. As Stephen Hawking rightly says, the ability to adapt to changes is what defines intelligence.

But more importantly, the whines and complaints that I make whilst adapting to this diet change of mine prompts me into thinking, "What an ungrateful servant of Allah am I?!" It's not like I don't have enough foods in the kitchen, or that I am starving to death. How lucky am I compared to the so many unfortunate people out there?! Ya Allah, shame on myself!

People in Gaza are deprived of foods, clean water, or even a shelter to protect themselves from the adverse weather.

The children in Africa are malnourished, lying helplessly with flies all around them, surrounded by vultures waiting to eat them once they die.

They are never given the opportunity to enjoy the life I have. Yet they adapted, in a circumstance worse than yours truly. And yet, here I am, still complaining about not being able to enjoy the foods I used to love. How ungrateful am I when these people, amid their struggles, can still praise and thank Allah whenever they are blessed with a loaf of bread, or even a bottle of plain water.

It is true what Allah says,

Indeed, man has been created impatient.

When affliction befalls him, he becomes fretful,

and when good fortune falls to his lot he becomes stingy.[Al-Maarij:19]

So here I am, telling myself to be thankful for the blessings that Allah has given to me, rather than pondering on the ones I think I have lost. Only then will one find solace in life!

And remember also that your Lord forewarned, `If you be grateful I will increase My favors on you, and if you be ungrateful (you should know that) My chastisement is severe indeed'!" [Ibrahim:7]

Me, Myself and I

2010-06-03T04:10:00.000-07:00

When I found out that one of the Malaysians on board in the Mavi Marmara ship was Jamuliddin Elias, it brought back memories of our encounter in Sheffield, United Kingdom back in 2005. He was on a tour to several places within the country, and when he was in Sheffield, stayed for a night in my room.

Uncle Jamuliddin, clad in black jacket.

Since he stayed overnight in my room, I had the opportunity to hear a lot of his personal experiences being involved in humanitarian work. Uncle Jamuliddin is one of the backbone of Yayasan Amal Malaysia, a non-governmental organisation heavily involved in numerous humanitarian work all over the world. His personal account of visiting places such as Acheh, Afghanistan and Kashmir, to name a few, all solely for humanitarian causes, highlighted a lot of the difficulties these people have to go through for the benefit of others. Yet, a struggle it might be, Uncle Jamuliddin still found all the hardships rewarding in the end.

His stories has never ceased to amaze and inspire me. His work meant that he spends less time with his family and loved ones. His work meant that sometimes his life is being put on the line just to save the lives of people he doesn't even know personally of. He is one out of the many respectable people who find their satisfaction in life by serving others.

I personally believe that the best thing one can do in life is to give. At present, we hear about unfortunate casualties in the Zionist attack on the Mavi Marmara ship, and mourn for the losses. Having heard how some people would risk their own life to help others, I wonder how can there still be people so mindless of the things around them.

People who couldn't care less to play even the smallest of part for someone else. People with the "me, myself and I" attitude.

The atrocities committed in Gaza is clear for everyone to see. Normal human beings reacted, doing their own bit to help the oppressed. Donating money, holding demonstrations against the Israeli government, boycotting products proven to fund ammunitions for the Israeli army, to name a few. Doing whatever one can possibly do within their ability to at least ease the deep wound of the Palestinians.

Yet, there are still people out there who don't give a damn. Even worse, questioning the effect of boycotting Starbucks. Or making ridicule of people who sacrificed some time demonstrating against the Zionist government. To these people, all I can say is, the world will never be a better place with people of your attitude!

From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.

Palestinians deserve a life, just like anyone else. One can never achieve personal fulfillment in life until (s)he starts to satisfy the needs of others. I am telling myself, and others, let's start asking, "What have I done for the Palestinians? What have I done for someone else?"

If you still need to find a reason to start giving, then watch this video and listen what the late Rachel Corrie has to say.

"We have got to understand, that they are us, we are them."

DUNIA YANG LEBIH INDAH
By Firdaus

Menjadi fitrah manusia hidup di dunia
Perlu sesama begitu adanya
Pabila duka mengusik indahnya suka
Dan seharusnya bangkitlah di jiwa

Rasa peduli menolong sesama
Bukan hanya bicara
Tindakan yang utama

Di sini kita dengan segala yang dipunya
Semuanya fana, titipan semata
Lihat mereka saudara kita di sana
Dalam nestapa di manakah cinta?

Rasa peduli menolong sesama
Bukan hanya bicara
Tindakan yang utama

Cuba rasakan setiap tangisan
Tak berhenti berharap akan huluran tangan
Memberi cinta dan harapan
Bersama kita melangkah kaki
Menuju dunia yang lebih indah

Pernahkah kita bayangkan jadi mereka
Belum tentu kan mampu, cuba sedari
Tanya diri sendiri
Apakah ada simpati

It's ok to cry...

2010-05-25T03:31:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I wonder if I have given the wrong impression to the people who visited my blog. Reading some of the comments brings shivers down my spine. Especially the ones that come from people I don't know personally. I am worried that some people might look up at me as someone who is unbreakable, with unwavering mettle to face whatever adversity that comes my way. Someone who is very strong at heart, with an iron resolve.

In real fact, I am not. I am just like everyone else. I cry when things go beyond my control. I cry when trials just kept on coming over and over again. I cry when I feel helpless in the battle I face.

I remembered, when my doctor first broke the news about my disease back in December 2008, I was in a lost as to how should I convey the news to my mom, back home in Malaysia. I was in the mosque, having just performed my Asr prayer. From the main praying hall, I made my way to one of the area inside the mosque where no one was around. I called home, and as soon as my mom picked up the phone, I could hear from the background that my mom was trying hard to keep her tears. Apparently my brother, who found out about the news earlier, had told mom in advance before I made the call. Hearing mom crying broke my heart. Tears started to run down my face, I could barely say anything. Whose soul wouldn't break apart having heard the tears of his/her dearest mom?

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

Even after I hung up, I just couldn't stop crying. I told myself,

"Cry Afzal, cry. Let it out."

There I was at a corner inside the masjid, wiping over my tears. That, admittedly was one of the most emotional moment in my life. Not because that I found out I have cancer, but because I felt so bad that the person I love so much in my life would have to hear such news, and not being able to hold my hand, and offer me a hug, as we were thousands of miles apart.

A few minutes later, I got up, picked up a Quran from the shelf, and started reciting one of the chapters in the Holy book. I was looking for a source of strength, and I looked at none other than Allah's beautiful words for it. Not long after, I managed to gather myself, and started to make plans of how I should encounter my latest trial in life.

................................................................................

Dearest friends,

It's ok to cry. Natural it is for a human being to feel sorrow over times of hardship. The heart doesn't have to be dead or numb. The act of crying does not necessarily denotes that one has not got the strength of patience and fortitude. Our beloved Prophet cried over the death of his son, Ibrahim, yet he is the epitome of strength in the face of trials and tribulations.

As long as crying doesn't turn into wailing, or sobbing loudly, as if we are venting our anger to the One who has decided on our destiny. Our Rabb. And that we don't remain trapped in this pool of sadness, acting like someone who is totally paralyzed by what has happened, as if it is the end of the world. Ibn al Qayyim, a respected scholar in Islam, beautifully describes how Prophet Muhammad cried over a sad situation;

"As for the weeping of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) it was in the same degree as his laughter. He wouldn't sob loudly and raise his voice, just like his laughter wasn't loud. However his eyes would fill up with tears, until they flowed out, and you would hear the sound like that of a whistling kettle coming from his chest. He would weep out of mercy for the dead, out of fear and compassion for his ummah, out of deep fear of Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى), upon listening to the Qur'aan. And it was a weeping of longing, love and exaltation, accompanied by fear and khashyah".

The important thing is how we reacted after we cried. The mistake that a lot of people often fall into is when they start to whine over the calamity that afflicts them, saying things like "Why has Allah allowed such a difficulty on me?" or that when they were supplicating, they would complain, " Why have you not answered my wish and prayers O Allah?". You might think that you won't fall into such traps, or utter such sayings, but believe me, the heart tells you to do and say all the strangest of things when you feel helpless or stressed up.

So a person with seemingly strong character does not necessarily mean that (h)she never shed tears over a calamity. Rather, after letting his/her heart out, there is a positive reaction that succeeds the sadness. That should be the attitude of every Muslim. In life, there will definitely be a day when you might fall down. You cried because you have a cut on your knee, or that the ankle is bruising up. But it isn't the injury or the nature in which you fell that matters, but it is how you get up from it.

And that, is the character of STRENGTH. To get up, when you have fallen down.

To cry over something that saddens you is a mercy which Allâh puts in the hearts of His servants. And verily Allâh shows mercy to those of His servants who are merciful. Insha Allah.

If only...

2010-05-18T05:05:00.000-07:00

In the UK and Ireland, this is certainly the time of the year when Malaysian students abandon a lot of their personal affairs and focus on nothing else but one thing; the examinations.

Some students calmly take things by their stride and wouldn't let the impending examinations take over their life. Whereas some are completely overwhelmed by it, worried that they might flunk and consequently getting very tensed-up.

This is the typical life of a student when examinations are just around the corner. No matter how traumatic your experience of preparing for an examination might be, I'm sure we cherish such moments. Especially those who have gone through the university life phase and are now on their respective career path.

Likewise, I will definitely miss the times when I had to prepare for my examinations. My final year as a medical student in the University of Sheffield, to be more precise. What made the experience even more profound was the fact that I not only had my final examinations to deal with, but I had cancer to battle against too.

Looking back now, I can only thank Allah, that by His Will, I managed to obtain my medical degree amidst all the sheer difficulties I had to endure for the last 6 months of my studies.

Success is a journey, not a destination...

..............................................................................

When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma back in December 2008, I only had roughly 5 months left before my finals, better known as OSCE (Objective Structured Clinical Examination). I had to weigh my options; should I postpone my studies, having gone this far, so that I can focus on my treatments, or soldier on. The seemingly less arduous path was obviously to take some time off my studies. The representatives from JPA, the governmental department who sponsored my studies were also of the same opinion, ie to postpone my final year studies. It was a difficult decision to make, but I had to decide.

And I decided not to choose the primrose path.

I was definitely not trying to be a hero by doing the mission impossible, but deep inside me, I believed that I had the strength to reach the finishing line. Not only that, I was worried that I might just lose the will to continue my studies once I finish my treatments. I also pondered, that if things don't go well with my treatment, I will then need more time off for further treatment, thus further delaying the completion of my studies.

And I can only thank Allah, as I felt that I made the right decision, insha Allah.

My circumstances were clear then. I had roughly 20 weeks before my OSCE. During these last 20 weeks of my studies, I will undergo 12 courses of chemotherapy every fortnight. For each chemotherapy, it is expected that I will need a whole week to recover from its side effects. Thus in truth I have 10 weeks less than my colleagues to prepare for my finals.

Will I have enough time to prepare?

I must admit that at the beginning, I almost believed that this was indeed, just a step too far. The pressure just seemed too much for me to bear. But just before I crumbled under the immense pressure, I reminded myself of Prophet Muhammad's sayings,

“The strong believer is better and is more beloved to Allaah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive to attain that which will benefit you and seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless.” (Saheeh Muslim, hadeeth no. 2664)

There are clearly 3 important steps the Prophet has taught us in the aforementioned hadith that we should take heed from during times of difficulty.

1. Strive to attain that which will benefit you

It's true that I have been disadvantaged by my circumstances, but I shouldn't waste the precious time I have left for my examinations by crying about it.

I might have lost a great deal of preparation time due to my treatment arrangements, but I told myself to look at the benefit of such plannings. The benefit was clear -- I had the opportunity to become more focussed and disciplined during my revision times.

Thus I strive to attain such opportunity, and I didn't fail. I was definitely procrastinating less, and optimized every little time that I had to revise. In the end, I made good use of the study times that I had, without having to affect the period that I needed to recover from my chemotherapy sessions.

2. Seek the help of Allah

Even when things are plain and easy, we should never forget to seek for Allah's assistance. What more in my circumstance. Of all the things one can do in preparing for an examination, you can never do wrong by asking for Allah's favor.

Whilst seeking for Allah's help, we should also try to avoid committing actions that displeases Him. Common sense teaches us that if you want to ask for something from someone, you would be nice to the person and would avoid doing anything that might offend him/her. Ironic isn't it, that one performs Solat Hajat (wish prayer) to ask for excellent results but at the same time abandons the obligatory prayers, not being concerned with looking after his/her awrah, or to continually speak bad of someone else?

3. Do not feel helpless

Even when things look extremely difficult, I told myself to never feel helpless. I questioned myself, what might happen if I decide to confront my difficulties by feeling that there is nothing I can do about it. Will the problem be solved, or is the burden any lesser?

I know that I don't have to face this battle all alone. On top of revising my medical notes, I also spent some time practicing my clinical examination skills with my fellow Muslim colleagues. I made it clear to them that I needed their help, and they were keen to lend a hand.

Having adopted all the 3 approaches as above, I entered into the examination hall with the belief that I couldn't have prepared myself any better given my circumstances. Thus all I had to do by then was to put all my knowledges into practice during the OSCE, and eventually leave all matters to Allah. Alhamdulillah, when the big day came where our results were posted on the medical school's announcement board, I could muster a smile and tell my parent over the phone,

"Mom, your son is now officially a doctor. Alhamdulillah."

To all my dearest friends who will be facing their examinations not long from now, I wish you all the very best. May Allah ease all your affairs and that you will stroll through your examinations with flying colors.

In the end, if you believe that you have put as much effort as you could but things still don't go as how you wish it would, then do not fall into despair. Avoid saying, "If only I had spent a bit longer in the library..", or "I should have listened to such and such's advice", for such actions are merely meant to find the scapegoat in your failure. Rather, keep on trying until you eventually succeed, as the only real failure in life is the failure to try.

“If anything befalls you, do not say, ‘If only I had done such and such.’ Rather say, 'Allah has decreed and He does what He wills.’ For saying ‘if only’ opens the door for the Shaytaan.” [Saheeh Muslim]

And Allah knows best.

All you need is a bit of patience...

2010-05-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

I was twice being told that my cancer has relapsed after what were initially positive responses to treatment. I wondered what put my heart at peace having heard such news.

Never in my life had I experienced such excruciating pain with two of my bone marrow biopsies, the second one being the worse of the two, and a bloodied experience too. I wondered what put my heart at peace having to go through such painful experiences.

My doctor told me that they have exhausted all the curative options for my condition, and the end of the road seems inevitable. That moment when even my doctor had lost hope on me, I wondered what put my heart at peace.

Those were the three important points in my life that I had to endure within the last year and a half. Three incidences that could easily shatter any hopes or optimism, and jolted even those with strong hearts. If there is ever one thing I have learnt from this journey of mine, it is the importance of believing in the power of SABR (patience).

The shirt you would need in times of anger!

Because patience, was the medicine that has kept my heart at peace in all those three situations.

And till this very moment, I pray to Allah that He endow me the power of Sabr to this fragile heart of His servant.

...............................................................................

Living with a chronic condition like cancer can take its toll on you, if you don't practice PATIENCE. Do you know what do most people with chronic conditions eventually developed into when they fail to practice patience? They end up being DEPRESSED. Being a patient with a chronic disease myself, I'm not really surprised as to how one can easily become depressed over their condition. If I can just prove my point by sharing my own experience:

Ever since I started taking the alternative medications, a lot of positive improvements have been noted over the last 3 months. I started to believe again. But in the last 2 weeks, things seemed to have gone down yet again. On some nights, I was awaken yet again by pains on the right side of my leg. The lumps on my neck seem to have grown slightly bigger, and my energy levels have definitely been lesser than usual. I have done nothing different to my diet, or changed anything in the medications I've taken, making it more frustrating as to why such symptoms are redeveloping!

I was hoping to at least start work as a doctor even in my current circumstance, but obviously I would need some leniency in my working hours and workload. However, I doubt if I can persevere for even a week. Not that I don't believe in myself, but my symptoms are really unpredictable. Sometimes, I can stay awake after my Fajr (morning) prayers but when things don't go well, I would have to take those extra hours of sleep having done my morning prayers. Then I started questioning, can I really make it for work at 8am everyday then? [in actual fact, junior doctors in Malaysia have to turn up much earlier than that!] When people ask me, "Wouldn't stress exacerbate cancer? What more the stress of working as a doctor?", I really can't say no to such question, and it is indeed one very good point highlighted.

With alternative medications, there are certainly a lot of things that needs to be done throughout the day. Brewing the herbs would take a few hours altogether. With so many medications to take within a day, DISCIPLINE is needed to make sure I NEVER miss taking any of them. Even with my mom and young sister helping me a lot in preparing these medications, I still find it very hard to consistently take all my medications, without fail.

A lot of times, I know my family have been very understanding in adapting to my circumstances. In the past, if my dad says that we're going out tomorrow at 8 in the morning, then we will go out at 8 in the morning [well, not precisely 8, we'll end up going out at 9, or 10am, hehe]. However, things are slightly different nowadays. Plans seem to very much depend on how I feel that day. If I feel slightly tired in the morning and needed that extra hours of sleep, my parents would oblige and push plans to a later time. They have been very compromising. Even though I know they have no qualms whatsoever having to make such adjustments, I occasionally developed a sense of guilt. Feeling bad, that other people have to put up with my unpredictability.

I believe patients with chronic diseases share some similarities to the situations I have to face, if not all of them. And it is these sort of examples that usually lead to patients getting depressed, when they feel that the load on their back are just too much to bear. A solid rock can be dented when being hit persistently by water, and so do human beings. When the tension continuously builds up over time, it's easy for us to break.

How seemingly harmless waves can with time, erode the strongest of rocks...

But even when things don't go as planned, or if you feel that everything seems to be going against you, be PATIENT. One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. Being patient over the bad things that affect you may prevent you from a nervous breakdown, and consequent deterioration from thereon. Being impatient, however, may just lead you to lose control over yourself and eventually commit actions that you don't actually intend to do. You may also hurt others' feelings, or unintentionally say nasty things to the people you love, just because you decided to become IMPATIENT over your personal problems!

“Verily, patience is to faith what the head is to the body. When the head is cut off, the body falls. Verily there is no faith for he who has no patience .”

Experience has taught me that we tend to undo ourselves by being impatient. The Qur'an has taught me that we can pull through the difficulties that we face in life by adopting patience in our life.

O you who believe! Seek Help in Patience and Salaah. Truly, Allah is with those that are patient. [Qur'an 2:153]

And the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him), has taught me that patience is indeed a quality embodied in the hearts of the Believers;

“Strange is the affair of the Mu’min (the believer), verily all his affairs are good for him. If something pleasing befalls him he thanks (Allah) and it becomes better for him. And if something harmful befalls him he is patient (Sabr) and it becomes better for him. And this is only for the Mu’min.”

So when you feel like things are getting out of control, be PATIENT. Adopt approaches you feel can bring tranquility to your heart;

Know that whatever trials come your way, it is only because your Lord loves you and wants to test how undivided your faith is onto none other but Him.

Know that whatever sickness afflicts you, it is only to purify you off the sins you've committed. Verily fever sheds sins like a tree sheds leaves.

Perform wudhu'(ablution) when the heart is raging with anger. The Prophet once said,

"Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution." [Dawud]

Know that each and everyone of us are on a long but temporary journey, and that the destination is the hereafter - either Paradise, or Hell. Keep that in mind. Whenever we feel that patience is running out as a result of the things that go against us, just recount the endless blessings that God has endowed us with.

Rabbana afrigh 'alayna sobron... [O Lord, pour forth on us patience...]

Life is just unfair

2010-05-04T04:21:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, my family and I decided to pay a visit to my uncle's condominium in Damansara Damai. We were told that just the day before, a gentleman who lived there has decided to take his own life, jumping off from his balcony. He apparently had a quarrel, and when things got out of control decided to commit suicide.

I am against suicide. And I believe that a lot of people out there shares the same opinion. Understandably, the issue might get slightly complicated when one talks about suicide in certain circumstances, patients who are terminally ill, as an example. However, in principal, suicide is a major sin in Islam and the punishments for those committing such act has been mentioned in several ahadith by our Prophet PBUH.

“Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself will be throwing himself down in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever drinks poison and kills himself will be sipping it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron will have that iron in his hand, thrusting it into his belly in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever.” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5442) and Muslim (109)]

But that is not what I intend to dwell on in this post. Rather, such incidences sparked me into thinking about all the strange ironies of this world we're living in.

How ironic is it, that when one who has a terminal disease tries every avenue possible to save his/her life, battling right till the very end, but yet there are people out there who just decided to succumb to their difficulties by committing suicide.

How ironic is it, that there are a lot of couples out there who tried for years to get a child but failed, yet there are people out there who dumped their babies in front of a mosque, or in the bush, even worse in the garbage!

How ironic is it, that we hear stories of parents trying all they could do to save the life of their child who suffers from a disease, spending whatever they have for the sake of their precious, but yet we hear of sad news about parents who abuse their child, to the extent of killing these innocent children?!

To the eyes of some people, life is just unfair. The aforementioned situations are just some of the examples. Criminals getting away with the crime they committed, people of power enjoying the wealth of his nation while his people suffer in poverty, and rich people gets richer while the poor becomes poorer.

Is life really that unfair?

If you ever need a good example of a so-called injustice, just look at the story of Alton Logan. He was convicted of a first degree murder of a security guard at a McDonald restaurant in Chicago back in 1982, a crime he never committed. Logan was given a life sentence in jail, and only after 26 long years in the prison did they find out that Logan was after all, not guilty.

But what was more shocking, was the fact that two attorneys involved in Logan's case knew all along that he did not kill the security guard, but stated that they were tight-lipped to reveal the true murderer. Why? --Because their client, Andrew Wilson, who they were defending for killing two policemen, confessed to them that he had also killed the security guard at McDonald's - the crime Logan was charged with!

For more story about Alton Logan, click HERE.

When Logan was eventually released in 2008, he was 54 years old. He had spent almost half his life in a place he didn't deserve to be in. The true culprit, Andrew Wilson had died and there was no way Logan could seek revenge for the late Wilson's crime.

If you were to put yourself in Logan's position, how could you put peace to your heart for such injustice?

I myself, can easily claim that life is unfair to me. When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma back in December 2008, the doctors told me that it is one of the most treatable cancer in medicine. Some even went further saying that if you have to be affected with a cancer, then take Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was given plenty of reassurance that my life will be back on track by the end of my treatment.

But the harsh reality is, I am still currently battling against this supposedly easily treatable cancer. In fact, it has gone worse than I could ever expect it to be. And yet, some patients I know of through my times in the hospital who suffered from supposedly more serious types of cancers, are now alive and kicking, being in remission from their disease.

If you were to put yourself into such position, how do you find solace from a seemingly unfair life?

..................................................................................

The reality is, one can never find peace when he thinks of how unfair life has been to him. He never will.

I find peace, knowing the fact that my religion teaches me that there is life after death. That there is the Hereafter, and the Day of Judgement.

It is during the Day of Judgement that every criminals who got away with their crimes in this world will be rightly punished for their acts.

It is during the Day of Judgement that all the wrongdoings of an unjust leader be shown, and that he can no longer abuse his power to prevent it.

Believing in the Hereafter should answer every question a Muslim has about all the injustices in life. That we should leave the judgement of every affairs in life to Allah, the best and most just disposer.

As for the difficulties one persistently faces throughout his journey in life, be it from suffering an illness to those with never ending hardships, do find peace in our Prophet's sayings,

The believing man or woman continues to have affliction in person, property and children so that they may finally meet Allah, free from sin. (Tirmidhi)

When one believes in the Hereafter, then there really is no better position to be in but to meet your Creator in the purest of state, a state free from sin. By the will of Allah, the reward of Jannah (paradise) awaits, so beautiful it is, that whatever sufferings that used to afflict him is now just a past memory. SubhanAllah!

That is the beauty of the Deen. When one's paradigm in life is about building for the Hereafter, then the heart finds solace in whatever trials comes his way. But when one's life is centred upon the temporary life of this world, then one will struggle as the heart fails to find the satisfaction it really needs.

Life is, after all, not that unfair, isn't it? Ask yourself.

Living for today...

2010-04-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

"Wan kena tunggu Afzal balik tau. Tak lama lagi nih, sebulan je lagi. Wan tunggu tau.." [Grandma, please do wait for my return. It won't be long now, just a month to go. Please do wait for me.]

"Insya Allah Afzal..." [God willing, Afzal.]

It was May 2007. I was in Sheffield, UK, speaking over the phone to my Grandma who was in Malaysia. Wan had taken ill over the last few months, and her condition had been worsening over time. The prognosis given by the doctors weren't good either. I was praying that time would pass by fast so that I could board that flight back home, scheduled around mid-June, less than a week after my term exam, just so that I can see Wan again.

When I reach Malaysia, I've made plans to bring Wan around, to cheer her up. I've planned to explain to Wan about her illness based on the medical knowledge I've gained from my studies. Plans lined up, specially for my dearest Wan.

But all plans were shattered, with only less than two weeks before my scheduled flight. Wan could not wait any longer. Her time had come.

Wan died, of cancer. I was gutted.

..................................................................................

Ever since I achieved good grades in my SPM [GCSE-equivalent] examination, my burning desire to become a doctor lightened up even more. By the will of Allah, I succeeded in my A-Levels examination and received an offer to pursue Medicine in the University of Sheffield, United Kingdom in 2004.

Things were going as planned for the first 4 years of my studies. I've done relatively well, and by the time I entered my final year, I was already looking forward to holding that scroll I've dreamed for so long.

Chasing a dream...

But that was when I encountered my first major setback in life. December 2008, I developed a neck lump and was feeling generally lethargic. Then came the news I never expected, when I was diagnosed with a cancer. It's Hodgkin's lymphoma. I started having doubts about achieving my childhood dream of being a doctor.

I battled through series of chemotherapies and numerous invasive procedures over the next 6 months. Nausea, vomiting and sheer tiredness accompanied my journey as a final year medical student. In the end, I managed to complete my studies and passed my final year examination.

Treatments were over by early June, I've passed my finals and already was I making plans on starting my career as a doctor in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. But when my doctor repeated a PET scan in July 2009, I encountered my second huge setback. The cancer has relapsed, and further treatment was required, of stronger dosing.

I had to abandon plans of starting work in Malaysia and remained in the UK for further treatment. They had to implant a tube into my chest [Hickmann line] which remained for almost 3 months. Throughout that period, I battled through stronger chemotherapies and worse side effects. I had terrible mouth ulcers that I could not get any foods down. My immunity was so low that I got infected several times, one of which was quite bad that I went into septic shock.

In the end, I pulled through the difficult times and completed my treatment by the end of November 2009. I believed things would get better from there on, and I was already planning on working in the UK whilst having continuous monitoring for my condition. At least, I get to practice as a doctor, and start earning some money to build for a bright future.

Creating a path for a brighter future

But that was when came the third major setback in my life. I was only two months down the recovery lane, and I started to feel the neck lumps growing back again. That was when they found out my cancer has relapsed yet again. To make it worse, the clinicians felt that they have exhausted all the curative options available.

Eventually, I returned home to Malaysia, with a bitter pill to swallow.

..................................................................................

Living with cancer is like living on the edge. You never know when will the symptoms flare up, what symptoms might I experience next, whether the improvements I experience will be long lasting or not.

Somehow, I have been slightly 'traumatized' with making future plans. Should I really think about how my career as a doctor will pan out after 5, 10 years down the line? Or about making financial savings from now on, so that I can buy a car of my own when I start work in the future? Should I even think of having a family of my own in the future, raising my own kids and see them grow to become successful people in life?

"Our Lord, bless us with wives and children, who may be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous." [25:74]

When another person talks about his future dreams of having a successful career in life, a beautiful and pious wife with lovely kids, or living in a house of their own, I failed to share the same exuberance that the person is experiencing. Because if you ask me what would my dream be, it will be none other than this;

I wish to become well again. It must have been so long that I'm ill, it's hard to even imagine how it feels to be fit and well again!

It was painful when my plans for Wan were shattered.

It was painful when the setbacks I experienced time and time again over the last 2 years ruined the plans I've made.

This experience has taught me a lesson. I live for today and what I can do for today, not in the past nor in the future. Some people say that planning is invaluable, but plans are worthless. While I don't fully concur with such sayings, I still find some wisdom in it.

Because my journey in life has taught me that my future may not be what I have planned.

I live for today, and I try to reap whatever happiness I can gain from the day. If I keep myself occupied thinking about the so-called future happiness of a good career, a big house, a big car, etc, then I will miss out on the happiness that would be gone forever, and that is TODAY!

I think it is time I stop dwelling on things I have yet to acquire, but to cherish every little things I used to overlook all these while. Enjoy today, because it is not coming back.

"No matter what looms ahead, if you can eat today, enjoy the sunlight today, mix good cheer with friends today, then enjoy it and bless God for it. Do not look back on happiness or dream of it in the future. You are only sure of today; do not let yourself be cheated of it." -Henry Ward Beecher

Wallahua'lam [And Allah Knows Best]

Face it with a smile

2010-04-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hadapi dengan senyuman [Face it with a smile]
Semua yang terjadi [Whatever that happens]
Biar terjadi…. [Let it be...]
Hadapi dengan tenang jiwa [Face it with calmness]
Semua… kan baik baik saja [That everything will just be fine]

Bila ketetapan tuhan sudah ditetapkan [When Allah's decree has been finalized]
Tetaplah sudah…. [Then it is final...]
Tak ada yang bisa merubah [Nothing can change it]
Dan takkan bisa berubah [And it will never change]

* An excerpt from the song "Hadapi Dengan Senyuman" by Indonesian band Dewa.

..................................................................................

I remembered when I was about 10 years old, my dad brought the three of us Mas-es for 'berkhatan' [circumcision] in a clinic nearby our home. It was one of the event I least looked forward to, as I've been hearing all sorts of horror stories about circumcision from my schoolmates. When the three of us wondered as to who should be circumcised first, it was then decided that my brother, Mas Affendi aka Andi would go first, being the eldest among the three of us. I, trying to be brave, volunteered to go second and my other brother, Mas Jaffri aka Jep, would be the last in turn.

The three Mas-es [from L-R : Jep, Me, Andi]

About 10 minutes passed by and Andi exited the doctor's room, holding the tip of his kain sarong, with a smile in his face. The smile that gave me the assurance that things were going to be fine, and that there was nothing for me to be anxiously worried of. So my turn came and I entered the room with my mom, greeted the doctor, and lied down on the patient's bed. Things seemed to be going quite well, I thought.

Until it was time for the injection of the local anaesthetic.

I was given three injections, and with every injection, I screamed my lungs out and cried, really just being a baby. I swore everyone in the clinic could hear me screaming. The person I pity most at that very moment was obviously Jep, who was the next in turn. And having heard me screaming in pain, I was quite impressed to know that he didn't actually ran out of the clinic.

After a slightly longer session than Andi due to the slight commotion I've created, the circumcision was finally done. As I was about to exit the doctor's room, mom told me to smile. Smile so that I could convince Jep that it wasn't that painful after all. That was probably the most fake smile I've ever made to someone in my whole entire life. Hehe.

Thinking about it again, I remembered how significant my brother's smile was. Although I still cried during the procedure, things might have been worse had it not been for his smile. The smile was so powerful, it erased any fear I had and uplifted my confidence to face what lies ahead of me. It was simply a movement of several facial muscles, but its effect in calming the heart was stronger than whatever medicine one can think of.

A few days after I found out from my doctor that my condition has worsen and that it was entering into a terminal stage, a few friends visited me at my home in Sheffield. We had a good chat, I pulled some jokes and recalled funny memories that made us laughed hard. At that very moment, one of my friend looked at me, in a rather puzzled manner. He asked,

"Mas, how can you still pull a brave face and be laughing when your illness has gone worse?"

I could only muster a smile. It's funny to think that a lot of people seemed to have this seemingly preconceived belief that it is wrong for someone to have a good laugh or smile when afflicted with a serious illness. That the surroundings should always be dark and gloomy, and nothing but only sad tunes can be played over the radio.

This is such a wrong attitude. Whenever something bad comes to you, you decided to cry and whine over your luck. You create an environment that mirrors your sadness, and tell the whole world how unlucky you are.

Now sit down and ask yourself; by doing such things,

Is your problem solved?

Can you reverse whatever bad has happened to you?

Is the burden any lesser?

Or are you just making the problem doubly worst now?

You can choose not to make your problems worse!

I know I have a cancer, and that all treatments have so far not worked. I admitted it is a problem. The problem has happened, and I can do nothing to reverse it. So I need to try and solve my problem, by doing things I believe can help my cause.

Which is why I decided that life must go on, and I must appear to others as if there is nothing wrong with me. As if I am perfectly healthy, and that is portrayed by my smile and jovial mood whenever I meet people. Because when I smile, I know the people around me will reciprocate. They will then create that perfect, happy and healthy environment for my wellness.

But if I put on a sad face, people might think that I will be offended if they smile at me. So they reciprocated with grieving faces, further exacerbating my already shattered emotions. And there you have, an environment similar to a funeral proceedings.

A strong mukmin is better and more beloved to Allah than a weak mukmin, but there is goodness in both. Rise to secure good for yourself, seek Allah’s help, and do not be weak. (Narrated by Muslim)

What we need in the face of adversity, is a smile. When one smiles, you show to people that you BELIEVE. And when you have the belief, people too will share the same optimism. When belief is in the air, then it can only help you in whatever struggle you face in life.

Hadapi dengan senyuman [Face it with a smile]
Semua yang terjadi [Whatever that happens]
Biar terjadi…. [Let it be...]
Hadapi dengan tenang jiwa [Face it with calmness]
Semua… kan baik baik saja [That everything will just be fine]

Bila ketetapan tuhan sudah ditetapkan [When Allah's decree has been finalized]
Tetaplah sudah…. [Then it is final...]
Tak ada yang bisa merubah [Nothing can change it]
Dan takkan bisa berubah [And it will never change]

Face your problem with a smile =)

It's The Climb

2010-04-21T01:33:00.001-07:00

Whenever I was warded in the hospital for the treatment of my condition, I encountered a lot of patients who were in the same boat as mine. Whenever I had the chance, I will never miss the opportunity to talk to them, to hear what they have to say about their predicaments. We all have cancer, but of different types, and with different stories. But we all have one thing in common. We all believed in the power of Hope.

Hope. A powerful healer that sometimes even our mind could not comprehend with. It is the physician of each misery. With hope, seemingly impossible things can turn into reality.

As one famously said,

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying even when there seemed to be no hope at all."

I always tell myself to never give up, even when I hit bumps over and over again. Even if I have to lose this battle, I believe what matters more is the struggle. It is the things I've learnt throughout my struggle that has shaped me into who I am, not the disease, neither is the outcome of this battle.

I can't help but appreciate one very strong sayings in the lyric of the song entitled, "The Climb";

Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side,
It's THE CLIMB.

So everyone, stop asking, "Why?" anymore but start to say "What have I learned from my experience?". And things, no matter how bleak they might look, will soon start to brighten up. Insha Allah.

Do watch this video, specially for everyone. Enjoy!

That Talk I Will Remember...

2010-04-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

I could still remember vividly that moment when I got a phone call from a dear friend of mine, Firdaus Rahim, a medical student in the University of Nottingham. Firdaus invited me to share some tips on surviving as a university student for the new Malaysian students who have recently arrived in the United Kingdom for their respective studies. But more importantly, Firdaus requested that I share a portion of my experience as a university student living with a disease anyone will dread hearing, CANCER.

I have always been the type of person who loves to share to others, especially on things I know people can benefit hugely from. As eager as I was to share my experience to the new fellow Malaysian students, I had a difficult decision to make.

When the invitation from Firdaus came, I had only just finished my ESHAP chemotherapy a week back, and was still very much recovering from tiredness and all the other associated side effects of the medication. Looking at the date of the talk (which was on the 17 October 2009), I wasn't sure if I've had enough rest to deliver my talk. Furthermore, the location of the talk was about 45 minutes drive from Sheffield, so that further complicated the issue as I would then need to travel out of the city.

Having given a deep thought about it, I knew there could only be one answer. I WANTED to deliver the talk. This is my opportunity to not only share my humble experience, but also educate people about my disease. So I gave the thumbs up to Firdaus, and prayed to Allah that He make things go smoothly for me.

I rented a car and drove it to Welesby Forest, Nottinghamshire, where the event took place. My talk was scheduled at 8pm, and I gave an hour and a half talk to the participants present. By the time the event for that night finished, it was already around 11 pm, and I was contemplating on staying there for the night. However, given the cold weather and the less than conducive accommodation, I decided to return to Sheffield that same night, for fear I might catch unwanted infections and affect my recovery from the recent chemotherapy. As I reached Sheffield around 1 am, I barely had much energy left. But it didn't matter. I was happy that I could share something so profound to me, to my fellow friends, with the hope that they will gain many benefits from it.

And now, almost 7 months down the line, I thought that I should share it to more people. Thus I consulted the person responsible for producing the video clip of my talk, Hanafi from the University of Leeds, if he wouldn't mind me sharing some of the clips of my talk. Hanafi was more than happy for the clips to be shared, and here are some of them...

1. Introduction

2. My big test in life

3. Approaching our trials via the teachings of the Quran

As the talk was quite a long one, I have decided to cut it into several segments, all carrying different themes. The three shown above are the first few I've uploaded on YouTube, and insha Allah I will try to upload some more of the clips in the near future.

There will inevitably be mistakes or shortcomings in the content of my talk, and I therefore beg forgiveness from everyone. My only wish is for everyone watching them to benefit from this little knowledge I have, from this precious experience I've gone through, and from this passion I have for 'giving to others'.

Barakallahu fiik!

Let thy food be thy medicine

2010-04-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been asking me on the diet changes I've made ever since I posted my last entry entitled "What should I eat Doctor?". The diet changes I've decided to make so far are based on my personal readings and are supported by evidences I find convincing enough for me to rely upon. Having said that, I think it is imperative that anyone reading this entry make their own informed decision, and to not follow blindly whatever I will recommend in the next few paragraphs.

To avoid turning this entry into one long, dry and winding piece of scientific article on diet recommendations, I have also decided not to elaborate too much on every diet changes made. Rather, those interested to read further on the evidences behind every diet recommendations can refer to the list of books I've listed on my footnote.

Now that I've made my disclaimer note, let me personally share the diet changes I've made thus far. These changes can definitely be further improved, but it will take some time. I must admit that apart from eating fruits, my diet has always not been one to emulate from. Therefore converting myself into quite a healthy diet regiment will certainly require time, discipline and patience.

Diet change #1 : Reduce your sugar intake, SIGNIFICANTLY.

I try to avoid taking any refined sugar in my diet. There have been some significant evidence-based research showing that sugar, when taken in significant amount, can stand in the way of cancer recovery:

a. It suppresses the immune function.
b. It feeds cancer cells, through physiological changes initiated in the body when sugar levels are raised in the blood. [relationship between insulin, IGF, and cells in the body]

I therefore try to avoid any foods with refined sugar, wherever possible. Or foods with high content of sugar, for that same matter.

Donuts!

Ice creams =)

Malaysian delicacies, particularly the ones high in sugar content

Do you know how much sugar are there in a can of carbonated/fizzy drink?

Diet change #2 : Avoiding foods with high salt content, chemical flavorings and preservatives, especially monosodium glutamate(MSG).

Nowadays, whenever mom and I pay a visit to the supermarket, we will take extra time reading off the ingredients of the foods we'd like to purchase. Look at the nutrition facts of the food; how much salt and sugar is inside the food?

Reading food labels is tedious but worth spending time in.

For us, any foods containing MSG is a definite NO-NO. I am quite surprised to find out that quite a lot of the foods we commonly consume on a daily basis contains MSG, some of the food being so well-known that I might get suit if I openly mention the name of its brand (it really isn't rocket science to figure out which food i meant!).

On the same breath, I have also decided to abandon any fast food outlets mushrooming in the shopping complexes in our country. Regardless of whatever they say, fast food is fast food. High in salt and preservatives. Ever wonder why Americans have the highest percentage of obese people within their population?

Have you ever watch this documentary before? Watch it, see what you think afterwards.

Diet change #3 : Whites out. Whole foods in.

What I mean by white foods are those foods with simple carbohydrate that simply turns into sugar when ingested. Since 2 months ago, I've been having more whole foods instead of the 'white foods'.

i. White bread ---> Whole grain bread

ii. White pasta ---> Whole grain pasta

iii. White rice ---> Brown rice

Diet change #4: Change in meat consumption

This is personally one of the difficult changes I have to make in my diet regiment. At present, I refrain myself from taking any beef or lamb. As with chicken, I only consume ayam kampung, where the chickens are not injected with any chemicals to boost their growth. As with fish, there isn't really much restrictions.

Diet change #5 : Avoid dairy products in my diet, especially the ones with high content of fat, animal protein and hormones.

I generally avoid taking conventional milk, butter or margarine, eggs, etc in my diet. If there is a need, we will substitute them with non-fat dairies including soy milk, cottage cheese and yogurt, to name a few.

Diet change #6 : Using virgin olive oils as main cooking oil.

Olive oil, or known as the 'green tea' of Mediterranean diet, has often been recommended as the preferred choice of cooking oil in anyone's diet. Particularly when it is virgin, olive oil has been shown in some studies to contain antioxidants that are linked to slowing the progression of cancer.

If only olive oils are sold at a cheaper price in the supermarkets!

Diet change #7 : Drink plenty of pure water

As stated in Greg Anderson's book entitled "Cancer : 50 Essential Things To Do",

"It is almost a universal truth - people with cancer are dehydrated. Lack of water inhibits immune function, the most potent defence you have against cancer.

Fluid must be continually replaced in appropriate quantities for you to be optimally well."

The best pure water, as has been shared by a few people to me, is the zam-zam water. And this information is not only shared by Muslims, but is also acknowledged by non-Muslims alike. If possible, try to install a water purification system in our home, to make sure that the water we drink is as purified as it can get.

................................................................................

All of the above are some of the several changes I've started to introduce in my diet regiment. I can understand that some of the questions that will be raised include,

If I can't eat the foods above, then what other food options do I have left???

or...

But these healthy diet changes cost a lot of money! Lucky if you can afford it, but what about everyone else???

or...

There is no harm in eating whatever you want, as long as you take it in moderation!!!

I hope that I am not preaching people into subscribing my belief of a good diet regiment. The choices I've made above can certainly be questioned/debated, but that is not my main purpose of sharing this piece of information. At the end of the day, as I've mentioned before, YOU have to make a decision on what is best for your health.

If that means sacrificing extra money for a better health, then why not? Inevitably, money will always be an issue, and I therefore leave this difficult question for ourselves to answer.

If you really believe in taking things in moderation, then please do so, but just be aware that I've seen so many people who succumb to temptations, and the so-called principle of MODERATION just goes out of the window. Having said that, moderation in what you eat is never a bad principle to adapt to.

Finally, let me just reiterate that the diet changes I've made SHOULD NOT be followed blindly. Do make your own research and background reading, just so that I don't mislead people into false information, naudzubillah(may Allah protect me from such circumstance).

May everyone gain the benefits from the information shared, insha Allah (God Willing).

References :
1. Anti Cancer - A New Way of Life (David Servan-Schreiber)
2. The Cancer Prevention Diet (Michio Kushi with Alex Jack)
3. Cancer : 50 Essential Things To Do (Greg Anderson)

What should I eat doctor??

2010-04-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

When I was having regular chemotherapy treatments about a year ago, I remembered one particularly important conversation I had with my doctor during one of our clinic appointments.

I asked him if there is anything in particular in my diet that I should avoid taking, or change, to help with my recovery from cancer.

My doctor replied, "No Mas, just eat whatever you feel like eating. But try to avoid take-aways, just so that you don't catch any food infections given that you are immune-compromised."

With all due respect to my doctor's expertise and knowledge, I think that was when I made a mistake. I took him at his words that I should do nothing with my current diet. Thus I wasn't too bothered to even look up at the importance of the right diet in the battle against cancer. I take a a lot of fruits and juices anyway, so my diet couldn't be too bad, could it?

What has diet got to do with battling against cancer?

I'm not too sure about other medical schools, but as far as I can recall, diet change wasn't much talked about as part of the holistic treatment in cancers. The focus was more on teaching us to consult patients with cancer about how the chemotherapies work in killing cancer cells, etc, which is obviously important, no question about that.

But not about how diet can play a part in preventing the cancer from worsening. Well, some might argue that such emphasis on diet might suit more to the job scope of a nutritionist than medical doctors.

Whatever it is, I still personally feel that there are some diet tips that can be of no harm for doctors to be aware of, so that they can share it to patients with cancer. If one believes that the approach to tackling cancer is a holistic approach, then diet has to be one of its component.

Given the evidence-based medicine (EBM) heavily emphasized in the world of medicine nowadays, we have to be careful in what we say to patients. When I want to talk to my patients about how diet can play a part in tackling cancer, my advice should be based on sufficient evidences supported by scientific methods.

Have you got proofs to back what you are saying, doc?

Back when I was having treatments in the United Kingdom, I did nothing but relied solely on the hospital medications. I was the passive passenger, letting the clinicians decide what is best for me. But now, I can no longer play a passive role in the fight against MY OWN illness. Time to play a more active role. I know I have to take charge. Survivors take charge.

Ever since my return to Malaysia, I have started to make some major adjustments to my diet. All as part of my holistic approach in my fight against Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The change has not been easy I must admit, as I have to discipline myself against taking foods I used to enjoy so much in the past.

My mom is certainly playing a huge role too, adjusting the way she cooks so that it fits into the changes I have made in my diets. Only Allah knows how difficult it must have been for her at the beginning, but I know my mom is an expert cook that she will always be able to improvise her way of cooking to suit my diet regiment.

As I have mentioned in one my previous entries entitled "Making decisions in life", we can never shy away from having to make important and crucial decisions. Decisions about our own life. And today, I have decided that my battle against cancer is more than just eating the right medicines. It is also about eating the right, healthy foods. Eating right starts with your decision. Decide!

What, alternative medicines???

2010-04-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

"Encik, sebelum ni encik gunting rambut sendiri sampai botak ka?" [Sir, did u previously cut your hair to bald?]

"Eh, macammana awak boleh tahu?" [How did you know?]

"Rambut encik tak rata. Kenapa encik nak bagi botak rambut? Tak sesuai untuk encik." [Your hair is not growing back evenly. Why have you decided to go bald? I don't think it suits you.]

I could only mustered a smile to the question. Shall I go down the long, winding explanation of having gone through chemotherapy for a year and a half, or make this conversation simple and not less comfortable? I replied,

"Saja nak tukar imej la bos," [Well, I thought I could do with a bit of a change.]

.....................................................................................

For the next half an hour, I was reminded again of that one-year-and-a-half experience of going through chemotherapies. Memories most of which were obviously bitter, of dealing with the after effects of the cytotoxic drugs.

Chemotherapies do not necessarily work in all cases, but they are undeniably the hospital's current mainstay of treatment along with radiotherapy and surgery in the fight against cancer.

How can I ever forget the times when I started to vomit straight away the moment one of the chemotherapy drug was injected into my veins.

Or when I would spend hours in the bathroom, cleaning up my falling hairs from clogging up the plug hole.

Or the time when I lost 7 kilograms within just 5 days when I was in the hospital, due to severe mouth ulcers as a result of the side effects of one of the chemotherapies.

Or when I was battling for my own life when I had a septic shock whilst having the high dose chemotherapy, that they even considered to transfer me to the High dependency unit (equivalent of Intensive Care Unit or ICU that most are quite familiar of).

Those moments were tough. Thinking of it again, I genuinely believed that the only reason I managed to persevere through all those experience was due to the constant supplications of my family members, friends, as well as those who prayed for me although hardly knowing me.

1. The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, "Three supplications will not be rejected (by Allah (SWT)), the supplication of the parent for his child, the supplication of the one who is fasting, and the supplication of the traveler." [al-Bayhaqi, at-Tirmidhi - Sahih]

2. The prophet (SAW) said: 'There is no believing servant who supplicates for his brother in his absence where the angels do not say, 'the same be for you'' [Muslim]

....................................................................................

I am currently still undergoing non-conventional treatments in my battle against Hodgkin's lymphoma. I have decided that my body needs a break from further intensive chemotherapies.

Coming from a medical background myself, it is certainly not easy to convince myself to not commence on further conventional medicines (ie chemo, radiotherapy, etc). I was even questioned by some people, most of which were understandably doctors themselves, about the decision I've made, which they felt could possibly be detrimental.

But I asked myself time and time again; It's not that I've not tried the conventional medicines. Chemotherapies were what I had for the last year and a half, nothing else. But my body just didn't seem to response at all to the drugs, rather the cancer seems to be worsening by time.

So does that mean that I am giving up on chemotherapies? No, certainly not. But I just feel that this is the best time that I try on something else, an alternative to the conventional medicines.

The thing about alternative medicines are that they probably don't show benefits as immediately as chemotherapies, which can be frustrating especially for people eager to find quick cure to their sufferings. They take time to work, and people undergoing alternative medicines really need to be patient. But understandably some people with terminal cancer really do not have the luxury of time, and therefore waiting for the medicines to work is just a torture.

Alternative medicine : Do they really have a place in the cure of cancer?

I hope people can comprehend that it is not an easy decision for me to commence on alternative medicines rather than well-known conventional treatments. What more they are rarely supported by adequate scientific proofs (ie medical journals, etc) but rather just hearsays. Will it work? How long should I wait? It is not a position you would want to be in, wouldn't you?

But the best I can do at the moment is to BELIEVE that for every disease, Allah has provided its cure. So we MUST seek for it with as much effort as possible. Not to sit down and despair about my predicaments. That will not do any good, neither will it cure my disease. Jangan mengaku kalah dengan kata-kata syaitan.

At least, its comforting to listen to what my grandma told me when I visited her last weekend,

"Penyakit ni biasalah, dia datang macam angin ribut, tapi dia pergi macam semut!" [It's typical of a disease, that they afflict you as quick as a thunder, but will disappear as slow as an ant]

How true can you be dear Grandma.

Is your trial tangible or not?

2010-03-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

A kind friend of mine who visited me at my home about a month ago gave me a book entitled "Bila Allah Menduga Kita" (When Allah Tests Us) by Syed Alwi Alatas, a very eye-opening book about trials and tribulations in life.

A highly recommended book for all.

Having read the book, I sat down, pondered, and found out yet another blessing in disguise in my encounter with cancer. A blessing I find very exemplary of Allah's mercy to His creation.

In the Quran, Allah mentions in many verses about testing the Believers with deficiencies, such as being afflicted with illness and poverty.

We will surely put you to trial by involving you in fear and hunger and by causing loss of property, life and earnings. [Al-Baqarah:155]

These deficiencies in health and poverty are not meant to burden His servants, rather they serve as a mean to differentiate between those who sincerely are Believers and those who are merely liars.

Do the people think that they will be left alone after they have once said, "We have believed," and they will not be tested? [Al-Ankabut:2]

The fact is that we have put to test all those who have gone before them. Surely, Allah has to see who are the truthful and who the liars. [Al-Ankabut:3]

*When one becomes ill, he seeks for Allah's help. When one becomes poor, she strives to be closer to Allah.

*If previously one prays only his 5 obligatory prayers in a day, he now adds on the rawatib prayers and qiamullail.

*If previously one only recites a page of the Quran in a day, the pages recited now doubles and she adds the recitation of al-Mathurat on top of her daily Quranic readings.

*If previously one supplicates to Allah without even understanding the words muttered, he now makes the effort to know the mafhum (meaning) of the du'a recited.

These are how trials via the form of loss of health and wealth can turn people into. Allah gives them illness and poverty, somehow as a catalyst to turn them into more pious and thankful servants of Him.

In simple terms, illness, poverty, loss of lives are what I see as so-called 'tangible trials' by Allah. I believe that every human being is actually being put by Allah into their respective trials. Only that some people's trials are 'intangible'.

If I'm being honest, I am more afraid of these 'intangible trials'. What do I mean by 'intangible trials'?

Wealth. Good health. Fame.

These are the sort of things I see as the so-called 'intangible trials'. They are still trials by Allah, only that we can't feel the 'hardship' nature of the test.

**How many people out there who were once very pious, yet when they become rich, they turn their backs against Allah and claims that all their wealth are due to their own makings?!

**Or those who are never bothered to take care of their obligatory prayers just because they are never ill and therefore don't feel the need to ask from Allah?!

Man is such that when a little affliction touches him, he calls upon Us, and when We bestow Our favor on him, he says, "I have been given this because of my knowledge!" Nay, it is a trial, but most of them do not know. [Az-Zumar:49]

I remind myself firstly, and others. Let us not emulate the Pharaoh and Qarun. Arrogant and mindless of their God's presence when Allah puts them into the intangible trials of wealth and good health.

That is why I sometimes thank Allah again and again for putting me in such trial, a tangible trial, a trial that I hope should lead me towards becoming a better servant of Him.

And that, is the blessing in disguise.

Reasonable VS False Hope

2010-03-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

I was given a thirty-days-to-live prognosis. It was lung cancer. I'd previously had one lung removed. Now, four months later, the cancer was back. This time it was in my ribs and lymph system. The surgeon put his hand on my shoulder and said,

"The tiger is out of the cage. Your cancer has come roaring back. I would give you about thirty days to live."

Part of the reason that the surgeon was mistaken is that no healthcare provider can predict a person's response to illness. After several days of believing I would die, I made a profound decision.

I decided to live.

Please understand clearly what I am saying. By deciding to live I made a decision to do all I could to triumph over the cancer. I was determined to live each day I was given to the very best of my ability. I chose not to focus on the despair communicated in the surgeon's words. I would instead adopt a stance of hopefulness. These decisions dramatically changed my experience of illness. They resulted not only in better days but many more days as well. I believe such decision by you may result in a similar outcome.

"Hope is some extraordinary spiritual grace that God gives us to control our fears, not to oust them..."

This message has its vocal critics. It's controversial. More than once, esteemed members of the health-care community have publicly accused me of spreading false hope. My answer is simple and direct.

I believe there is no such thing as false hope. There is only REASONABLE hope. Reasonable hope is a medicine worthy of consumption in large doses.

What is clearly false is a doctor's pronouncement that sets a limit on the amount of time a patient may have left to live. That's "false hopelessness". It is false because no human being knows how long anyone has left to live.

My response to the surgeon was strong. I said,

"Thank you doctor. You've given me thirty days to live. Wow! That's wonderful because God only gives me one day at a time!"

Healers instill hope. They do not schedule death.

There is no such thing as hopeless. Decide to live - today! Embrace hope deep within your spirit. It heals. It is a decision that always lead to greater quality in our days. I also believe it leads to a greater quantity of our days.

Two paths are before you. One is marked by the road signs of passivity and despair;the other by the guideposts of ENGAGEMENT and HOPE. You have a choice.

Please, choose hope.

If you have been told that your time is limited, believe that life can still be a fulfilling adventure. Choose to live life to the very fullest. Focus on the possibilities, not the problem. Affirm that each day is a good and perfect gift in spite of the circumstances of illness.

Keep you thoughts on hope and healing. In that intentional choice are the seeds of your cancer recovery. Water those seeds, not the weeds.

Without question, you can improve your potential for survival. What you do makes a significant difference. Believe it: there is no such thing as a hopeless situation.

*Taken from "Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do" by Greg Anderson.

.....................................................................................

I have been given a similar so-called 'death sentence'. 3 months has passed, and by the will of Allah, here I am, still standing, still given the chance to strive. And I believe, it is a sign from my Creator that He wants me to not lose hope just yet.

Even when the world says "Give up Mas!", hope whispers "Try it one more time."

And I, will therefore keep on battling.

A blessing we often overlook

2010-03-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

I was just about to arrive at the masjid nearby my house to perform my Maghrib prayers when I saw from the side mirror of my car an elderly gentleman, probably in his late 60s, walking slowly towards the masjid. He noticeably looks quite frail, yet that doesn't seem to hinder him from coming to the masjid for his obligatory prayers.

Witnessing such sight reminds me of a Somalian man in his late 70s/early 80s, living in Sheffield, who is the bilal (the person who calls to prayer) of the masjid that I and many Sheffield Muslim community would go to for our obligatory prayers.

Muslim Welfare House Sheffield - a house that is converted into a masjid

The bilal lives in Broomhall, a place populated by many Malaysian students in Sheffield. He usually goes to the masjid by car, driven by his son. However, his son occasionally could not make it to the masjid and therefore you would think that the bilal might miss the prayer at the masjid too.

Ohh, was I so wrong.

I remembered one particular day, as I was walking to the masjid for the Subuh prayer on a very windy morning in Sheffield, when I saw the bilal walking with his stick heading towards the masjid. Not only did we have to bear the gutsy wind, but those coming from Broomhall would need to walk all the way up the hill to reach our destination. Even for a fit, young adult, it can certainly make you gasp for breath by the end of it.

What more for a gentleman of his age, I wonder.

The bilal certainly epitomizes the famous hadith we hear ever so often, when the Prophet said:

“If they knew the merits of Salat after nightfall (`Isha’) and the morning (Fajr) Salat, they would come to them even if they had to crawl to do so.” [Bukhari and Muslim]

I remembered, whenever I had a chemotherapy treatment, I would be so weak, bed bound, and could only muster enough energy to perform my prayers on a sitting position. I'd not be able make the walk to the masjid for at least a whole week as my body would not permit me to. It was during those moments when I often talked to myself,

"O Allah, grant me good health so that I can walk again to the masjid for my obligatory prayers!"

But being a mere servant of Him, I, like any other human being, am bound to forget to appreciate the blessings of good health when I still have it. When good health deserts me, there I am praying earnestly to Allah. But when I regain my good health, I sometimes forget the promise that I made to myself about being consistent in doing my prayers at the masjid whenever I'm able to. Ya Allah..

He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything...

I guess that is typical of a human being. You will only appreciate the things that you possess when you lose them. And appreciating good health in the context of a Muslim, is when you use it to bring yourself closer to your Creator, Rabbul Jalil.

I was moved when I read about the story below. Be it a true story or not, let us all take lessons from it.

It is a story of a person from Bahrain named Ibrahim Nasser. He has been paralyzed completely since birth and can only move his head and fingers. Even his breathing is done with the help of instruments.

It was the wish of this young man to meet Sheikh Nabeel Al-Awdi. So Ibrahim's father spoke to the sheikh on the phone in order to arrange a visit to Ibrahim.

This is Sheikh Nabeel at the airport.

Ibrahim was very happy to see Sheikh Nabeel open the door to his room. We can only see his happiness from his expression as he is unable to speak.

The moment Sheikh Nabeel entered Ibrahim's room.

And this is Ibrahim's expression on meeting Sheikh Nabeel. Notice the breathing instrument around Ibrahim's neck. He is unable to even breath normally.

And a kiss on the forehead for Ibrahim.

Ibrahim with his father, uncle and Sheikh Nabeel.

Thus Sheikh Nabeel and Ibrahim started talking about da'wah on the internet and the striving it requires. They also exchanged some stories. And during their conversation Sheikh Nabeel asked Ibrahim a question. A question that made Ibrahim weep... and tears rolled down Ibrahim's cheek.

Ibrahim couldn't help but weep when he remembered some painful memories.

Here Sheikh Nabeel wipes the tears from Ibrahim's face.

Do you know what question it was that made Ibrahim weep?

The sheikh asked: Oh Ibrahim, if Allah had given you health, what would you have done?

And thus Ibrahim wept bitterly and he made the sheikh, his father, his uncle and everyone in the room weep..even the camera man wept.

And his answer was: By Allah I would have performed my salaah (prayer) in the masjid (mosque) with joy.. I would have used the favor of health in everything that would please Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala!

Do You Have These Symptoms?

2010-03-17T01:43:00.000-07:00

Just a few days before I left the UK for good back in January, a few representatives from the United Kingdom Lymphoma Association came to my house in Sheffield. I was one of the few people who had volunteered to be interviewed by the Lymphoma Association for the production of their latest video clip. The video is aimed at raising the awareness of the general public on the signs and symptoms of Lymphoma, a disease that seems to be on the rise lately.

I rang the Lymphoma Association about a month before the actual interview regarding my intention to volunteer and be part of the cast of the video. The criteria was quite specific; they were looking for people between the age of 15-30 years old who have had the experience of suffering from lymphoma. I knew then, that they needed people like me to volunteer. And so I did.

Lymphoma Association UK

A few days prior to the recording of the video, I was in two minds on whether I should proceed with the interview or not. This was due to the latest news I received from my doctor regarding my condition. Disappointed and gutted I was with this latest news, I was concerned that I might not be in the right frame of mind for the interview.

But I knew that being part of this video is important for me. Raising awareness on the disease, so that other people wouldn't have to thread on the same path as mine.

And thus I decided, that the show must go on.

Do You have These Symptoms?

All the other participants in this video are currently in remission from their disease. Some have been in remission for almost 10 years, another has been in remission quite recently. They are all cancer survivors, and they shared their experience after having successfully battled against their disease.

So when the team members of Lymphoma Association found out just a few minutes before the interview started that my cancer has relapsed, they were in silence. One of the crew member, politely asked;

"Mas, you don't have to do this interview if you don't feel like it. We perfectly understand it."

Even at that moment, I was still in two minds. But I know there can be only one answer. I told myself,

"These people came from a 4-hours travel to Sheffield just to do my interview. Without their effort and initiative, there will be a lot of people out there who will remain in the unknown about lymphoma. The time, money and energy that they spent might just save a lot of people's lives."

Ohh, silly me. Why should I let my emotions get over me? Come on Afzal, you are not going to let your disease take over you, are you?

"Don't worry Dave, I'm fine. I've been looking forward to do this interview." I smiled, and they reciprocated, saying

"You are one tough man, Mas."

I smiled again. "I hope I am Dave. I really hope so."

And today, having seen this video, I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked Allah. I hope a lot of people out there, will benefit from it. Although it may just be a short video, I'm sure the effect will be massive. Insha Allah.

Prevention is always better than cure!

Making decisions in life...

2010-03-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

In life, it is inevitable that you need to make decisions. Even children have to make decisions. I remembered when I was at a tender age of 8 years old, I made a decision I will always remember and cherish in my life. I was at school, in my class, and it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. My tummy suddenly felt really uncomfortable and I had this sudden urge to open my bowels.

That was when I had to make a decision; should I try using the school toilet, famous among each and everyone of us for all the wrong reasons, or make the trip back home? It didn't take me long to decide though, for I knew I will not be able to bear the sight and smell of my school toilet. It was then that I decided that I'm going to skip school today, and make the walk back home.

Yes, WALK. I actually walked back home, which was at least 10 kilometers away. The journey took me a few hours, and funnily, when I reached home, I was so tired that I wasn't bothered to visit the toilet but rather went straight to bed for a nap!

But obviously, as you grow older and carry more responsibility in life, you are bound to make more decisions. And they are not just decision on tiny matters, but sometimes things that are really important and can have significant effects on your life. As one used to say, "We have no simple problems or easy decisions after kindergarten".

Making decision about your career path. Or whether she is the right person to be your partner in life. Or deciding on what treatment is best for your condition.

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

I personally have my fair share of decision-making in life. Some of which I felt were the right decisions, but there were also some of which I knew were wrong. But more importantly, none of which I regretted making, as it was these decisions I made in the past that have shaped me into who I am now.

When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma Stage 3 in my final year as a medical student, I decided against taking time off from my studies. Alhamdulillah, today, after more than a year from when I made that decision, I am proudly the first doctor in my family.

When my cancer relapsed for the first time back in July 2009, my family and I decided that it was best to continue treatment in the UK rather than returning home to Malaysia. We felt that the treatment in the UK was better, and there was nothing to be worried of cost-wise, as all expenses were covered by the NHS. However, we plan, but Allah also has His plannings. The treatment failed and my cancer relapsed for the second time back in January 2010.

Now, as I am safely back home in Malaysia, I again had to make an important decision in my life. Shall I continue with the suggested chemotherapy / radiotherapy treatments offered by the hospitals, or seek for alternative remedies?

Having discussed with my doctors in Pusat Perubatan UKM (PPUKM) about the pros and cons of further chemotherapy / radiotherapy in my case, weighing other options that are available for me, as well as doing plenty of istikharah, I then made my decision. I decided to put any further chemotherapy / radiotherapy on hold, and started on alternative medications.

It's obviously not easy to make a decision, what more when you know it relates to you own life. Have I made the right choice, will I regret my decision? Whatever the outcome is, I believe I have made the decision I feel is right and probably best for me. And that, is sufficient enough. Remember what they say about making a decision?

"You don't make decisions because they are easy; you don't make them because they are cheap; you don't make them because they're popular; you make them because they're right.”

And as Muslims, never ever forget, that with every effort and decision making, put our trust to Allah. Tawakkal. In the end, it is Him that grants cure to every disease, and it is Him that gives life, and it is Him that takes it away.

فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ

Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah,

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَوَكِّلِينَ

certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). [Ali-'Imran:159]

I don't intend to list down the alternative medications I'm taking as I feel it is improper to reveal them when they are not yet proven to cure my disease. However, let's just say that alhamdulillah, by the will of Allah, there have been some positive improvements in myself. Although the itchiness seems to still be my main problem, the numbness and weakness on my left hand has certainly improved tremendously. The pain on the back of my neck has certainly ease off, and my energy levels are definitely improving.

But obviously, the journey is still far. Insya Allah, with the prayers of friends and families, I will keep on threading this rough path, with the hope that I will reap its benefits by the end of it.

Insha Allah, we'll find the way.

Will You hear me?

2010-03-03T21:32:00.000-08:00

Do you sometimes ask yourself; I've been praying that Allah gives me excellent results in my examination, but why did I still fail all my subjects?

Or that you and your partner have been asking from Allah day and night to be blessed with your own child, but yet years gone by and you are still waiting for it to happen?

Or that you have never failed to make invocations after each of your obligatory prayer, that Allah grants you cure from your disease, but yet the pain and suffering you endure remains???

That you've been praying so much, but all the effort seems fruitless? And deep in your heart, you ask yourself, frustratingly;

"O Allah, my Creator, what have I done that you are not granting my invocations?"

Thee alone we worship, and to Thee alone we pray for help...

When I was in the hospital back in November 2009 for my high dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplant, these thoughts kept creeping inside my head. They were worse when I was all by myself in the room, in pain and feeling tired. I remembered vividly,

When I had to resort to performing my prayers on my bed as I was too weak to get up, shaytan whispered,

"What is the point of troubling yourself to pray to Allah, you are in such a state but yet Allah is not listening to your prayers!"

When I got up early in the morning to pray my Tahajjud, there shaytan came and whispered,

"Look at you Afzal, tired and weak. You've not improved one single bit from your illness. Is it really worth waking up this early to pray to Allah?"

When I stood by the side of my room's window, looking down at the city of Sheffield from the hospital, shaytan came and whispered,

"Afzal, it's been a year now and here you are still stucked in the hospital. Allah has forgotten you and your prayers."

Ya Allah, I seek refuge from You from the evils of shaytan!

.....................................................................................

It is during these difficult moments, that I seek strength from our beloved Prophet's saying in regards to making invocations:

مَا مِنْ مُسْلِمٍ يَدْعُو اللهَ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ بِدَعْوَةٍ لَيْسَ فِيها إِثْمٌ ولَا قَطِيعَةُ رَحِمٍ

No Muslim supplicates to Allah with a Du`a that does not involve sin or cutting the relations of the womb,

إلَّا أَعْطَاهُ اللهُ بِهَا إِحْدَى ثَلَاثِ خِصَالٍ

but Allah will grant him one of the three things.

إِمَّا أَنْ يُعَجِّل لَهُ دَعْوَتَهُ

1. He will either hasten the response to his supplication,

وَإِمَّا أَنْ يَدَّخِرَهَا لَهُ فِي الأُخْرَى

2. save it for him until the Hereafter,

وَإِمَّا أَنْ يَصْرِفَ عَنْهُ مِنَ السُّوءِ مِثْلَهَا

3. or would turn an equivalent amount of evil away from him.

O Allah, how Merciful are You! I promise myself to always supplicate to You, for only You can grant cure to my ailments and none other.

Ad-du'a silaahul mukmin. [Du'a is the weapon of the Believers]

I'd like to remind myself, and to those reading my humble writings, that should such evil thoughts sprung to mind when we supplicate to Allah, remember Prophet Muhammad's warning:

"...the supplication of the servant will be accepted as long as he does not become hasty." The Prophet was then asked,

"How does one become hasty?" The Prophet then said,

"He says, `I supplicated and supplicated, but I do not see that my supplication is being accepted from me.' He thus looses interest and abandons supplicating (to Allah)."

Never abandon asking from Allah. If it is not Him, then NO ONE else can help us in this world, and in the Hereafter.

It's not just about competing...

2010-02-27T02:34:00.000-08:00

This weekend, Sheffield will yet again be attracting students from all over the UK and Ireland for two of its largest annual event; the Sheffield Malaysian Games and Nasheed Extravaganza 2010 (NEXT 2010).

For the past 5 years, I've always looked forward to this weekend. Not just because I get to meet up with friends from all over the country, but also because of the fond memories I treasured from one of the event, the nasheed competition, better known as NEXT.

Looking at all the hype that NEXT has attracted this year, I can't help but remind myself how much this event has grown in stature over the years. What started as a very low profile event back in 2005, has now become one of the largest Malaysian event in the UK, attracting renown nasheed artists as guest performers namely Azhari Nowseeheart, Hamza Robertson, Akbar and this year, InTeam.

I still remembered the clear objective of this event; to spread the message of Islam via entertainment, as well as raising funds for charity purposes. For those who know me well, I always find joy in singing and entertaining, although admittedly my voice isn't really the sweetest in the world and could even possibly be a nuisance to the ears of some people. However, I jumped at the opportunity to play my part in NEXT, as I know it is my opportunity to be part of the da'wah work that has been initiated.

My nasheed team back in 2005, when NEXT first started. We came home second, not bad for a debut =)

I didn't take part in NEXT 2006 as I was part of the organizing committee. But I made my 'return' in NEXT 2007, and alhamdulillah, my group was the first runner up.

NEXT 2008 was one of my favourite event, not only because we won the first place, but also because we took everyone by surprise with one very special appearance.

My last appearance, in NEXT 2009. This will forever be one of my most memorable experience, as I remembered vividly that I only just had my chemotherapy a week before the event. I felt tired and slightly weak, but that will never prevent me from playing a part. And alhamdulillah, we were announced as the winner yet again, for the second year running.

Music can be a very powerful tool of da'wah, especially nowadays where entertainment is very much deep-rooted in the lives of people. As you might notice from most of my performances in NEXT, we hardly mesmerized people with our voices, but our intention has always been clear; we want to entertain people whilst at the same time spreading as much message about the Deen as possible in our performances.

And I have always told myself, had I been in Sheffield for this year's NEXT 2010, I will definitely compete again if that allows me the opportunity to spread the message of my Deen.

I remembered that one particular night when I returned home having just finished practising for NEXT 2009. I was so drained out from the after effects of my most recent chemotherapy, and a small part of me started asking; is it worth wasting my energy to compete again in the nasheed event? That was when I reminded myself,

If I am to compete for fame, then yes, it is a waste of my energy.

If I am to compete for the sake of winning, then yes, it is a waste of my energy.

If I am to compete because I just love singing in front of a large audience, then yes, it is a waste of my energy.

But those are not my intention of competing. My wish is to do my part in da'wah. Nothing else but only that. So it is worth spending every bit of my energy for this cause.

كُنتُمْ خَيْرَ أُمَّةٍ أُخْرِجَتْ لِلنَّاسِ تَأْمُرُونَ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَتَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ الْمُنْكَرِ وَتُؤْمِنُونَ بِاللَّهِ

"You are the best of peoples ever raised up for mankind; you enjoin Al-Ma`ruf (all that Islam has ordained) and forbid Al-Munkar (all that Islam has forbidden), and you believe in Allah..." [Ali-'Imran:110]

All the best for NEXT 2010. May Allah reward each and everyone of you for your effort.

Because death is 'blind'...

2010-02-22T00:47:00.000-08:00

How many times have you come across these situations:

A dad leading the janazah prayer (funeral prayer) of his own dearest son; or

An elderly Imam washing the body of a young man who has passed away; or

A disease-stricken patient with merely months to live as predicted by his doctor, but ending up paying his last respect by the side of the grave of that doctor who gave him the news about his disease.

Each of these situations teaches me one simple, yet important message. Death does not recognize age, and it doesn't have to warn you before it strikes you.

That the call of death doesn't necessarily have to abide by the age-factor. Being young doesn't make you more likely to die later than someone twice your age.

That the call of death doesn't necessarily have to abide by the 'but he doesn't suffer from any disease' justification. A person recently diagnosed with a terminal cancer might end up living longer than a perfectly fit, healthy young man.

That if Allah says "Be it,", then death will come without any of us being able to delay it by even a split second.

......................................................................................

About 3 weeks ago, when I made the decision to return to Malaysia as a result of the latest circumstance in my condition, close friends and colleagues came from all over the UK to bid their farewell. To say their goodbye, for none of us are sure when will we meet again.

And one of my good friend really did say his last goodbye.

Infaz Fassi, a colleague of mine back in our time in the medical school in Sheffield University between 2004-2009, has recently passed away having been involved in a car accident in his hometown in Sri Lanka a few days ago.

The news certainly came as a surprise to me, especially having just met him the day before I left for Malaysia recently. The late Infaz came to my house during my last night in Sheffield with a few other friends, and we had a good chat, reminding ourselves about our memories of being medical students. He was, during then, a junior doctor working in Sheffield hospital.

I will certainly pray that Allah brings peace to his soul, and reward him with Jannah. His death, serves as a true reminder firstly to myself, and to all of us. Death really is 'blind' in its action. His death, reminded me of the saying of a friend of mine,

"Mas, walaupun awak mungkin sakit, tapi ajal tu kita tak tahu. Siapa tahu akak ni walaupun sihat, tapi mungkin ajal akak datang dulu sebelum awak..." [Mas, you might be ill, but we can never tell when will death comes to us. Who knows, I might be fit and well compared to you, but my time might come before yours...]

It's true what they say; visiting the ill or paying a visit to a burial ceremony is not just about fulfilling the rights of others on you. Rather it has a more crucial message embedded in it. It reminds us about death. It reminds us about what have we prepared in this world to give us a chance of Jannah in the Hereafter? It reminds us that death can come to any of us without a warning. Maybe now, maybe tomorrow, or the next week. Who knows.

So never delay to fulfill our obligatory prayers when we're able to.

Or spending our wealth for the work of His Deen.

Or repenting for the sins we've committed.

Because we should fear about our state in the hereafter should Allah takes away our soul without us accomplishing what we should have done as His servant. Because when the time comes, not even the most dramatic of pleading or begging can buy us time to perform that very last prayer, or that very last repentance.

9. O you who believe! Let not your properties or your children divert you from the remembrance of Allah. And whosoever does that, then they are the losers.

10. And spend of that with which We have provided you before death comes to one of you, and he says: "My Lord! If only You would give me respite for a little while, then I should give Sadaqah from my wealth, and be among the righteous.

11. And Allah grants respite to none when his appointed time comes. And Allah is All-Aware of what you do.

[Al Munafiqun:9-11]

And Allah grants respite to none when his appointed time comes...

A clear warning from Allah. No respite, no delaying when the time has come. May Allah make us from those who listens and give heed to his sayings in the holy Qur'an. Amiin.

It's a family's battle

2010-02-18T19:13:00.000-08:00

Just with any other chronic disease, I have my good and bad days. During my good days, I'll feel energetic, the itchiness will not be as bad and I look perfectly normal in the eyes of others.

However, when things aren't too good, it doesn't matter how much rest I have, I'll still feel lethargic, my neck aches, and my itchiness flares up.

The frustrating thing is that I can't dictate my good and bad days. There is certainly no clear pattern to it. I can't safely say that if I eat the wrong food, my itchiness will flare up more, or that I will have a good day if I sleep well the night before.

My family are certainly trying to adapt to my circumstances. Plans laid out for the day may have to be cancelled or postponed if I don't feel up to it. We'd understandably not go out as often as in the past and spend more time at home. This is when having an understanding family is pivotal, where each of them acknowledges the unpredictable nature of the disease and thus compromises on a lot of things.

One of our family trip during my good day

The lovely thing about having a supportive family is that you know each and everyone of them wants to play a part in helping.

Mom is certainly making big adjustments to her daily cookings, paying extra attention to how much salt and sugar she uses, opting for olive oils most of the time, and cutting off on foods that are 'cancer-feeding'. Diet certainly has its own part in preventing or causing a cancer, so it certainly does not do harm to be more particular with what we eat especially nowadays, where additives and preservatives are found in so many of the foods and drinks we consume.

Dad and my siblings are certainly training themselves into becoming excellent masseur and masseuse with me being their regular customer. Body massages help to slightly relieve my itchiness and neck pain, as well as relaxing any tense muscles. I am not sure whether they enjoy having to do it on a daily basis, sometimes more than once within a day, but they certainly never complained.

My medical case has been reviewed by the clinicians in HUKM and they have stated their opinion on my condition. And they believe that there is still one treatment possible which could cure the condition, but one that poses a lot of significant risks along with it, and one that even they admit only carries a very, very low percentage of success.

We therefore feel that our main focus at the present moment is certainly on alternative treatments, with hospital treatment possibly being an adjuvant therapy to help relieve my symptoms.

The battle will keep on going, insya Allah. Pray for us.

Looking Beyond the Mirror

2010-02-11T19:15:00.000-08:00

In life, it is almost impossible to remain positive if you don't believe in the presence of hikmah (wisdom) in every occurrence. That everything that happens in life must have its own lesson, even though we sometimes fail to figure them out.

Even Allah's decision to create the world and human beings prompted question marks from His Angels. A world we see today, where bloodshed takes place on a daily basis, innocent people killed mercilessly, the poor becomes poorer whilst the rich scoops all the treasure available, to list a few. A world where evil seems to prevail over justice.

Not that the Angels are questioning their Creator's actions, rather are they interested to learn the hikmah (wisdom) behind His plannings. In the end, Allah reminded His Angels that sometimes there are things that even they can't comprehend, but only Him, the Ruler of the universe.

Allah says,

"...Did I not tell you that I know those truths about the Earth and the Heavens which are hidden from you? I know what you disclose and what you hide." [al-Baqarah:33]

Although our ability is limited in realizing the wisdom in everything that happens in our life, I believe it does not do harm to try and figure them out if they can keep us positive and optimistic in life. How many people out there, afflicted with so many trials and tribulations in their life, who are happier than other people with a generally more straight forward path in their life. Only because they know that there must be a reason why Allah has put them in such tests.

They know that in life, you can't just stop at the image that you see in the mirror in front of you. You have to look through it, beyond it, then only will you be content with whatever comes your way.

The mirror of life

My left hand is getting weaker and the muscles are starting to waste. The pain in my back isn't getting any better and it keeps me awake at night. Only Allah knows how uncomfortable I become when the itchiness flares up. But at least, I have possibly learnt a few good lessons from my test.

1. I need to get up more often for my Tahajjud and Quranic recitations. Never is my belief in the therapy of Tahajjud on curing a disease been any stronger than it is now.

2. I feel more humble and relying of Allah's assistance in my du'a. When I pray to Allah that He brings cure to me, I can feel my du'a coming deep from my heart, and not merely utterances of my lips. I am believing more strongly to His promises stated in the Holy Quran,

"And if My servants ask you, O Prophet. concerning Me, tell them that I am quite near to them. I hear and answer the prayer of the suppliant, when he calls to Me. So let them respond to My call and believe in Me. Convey this to them, O Prophet; perhaps they may be guided aright." [al-Baqarah:186]

3. My return to Malaysia means that I am finally spending deserved time with my family. Of the 5 siblings in the family, I am certainly the one with the least time with my family. Ever since I finished high school, I've been mostly away from my family due to my A-Level studies in KYUEM in Lembah Beringin, followed by my journey to the UK for my medical degree. Now, I get to see the face of my mom and her cookings every day. How am I sorely missing these moments.

So in the end, Allah is indeed the best in His plannings. You lose some, but you also gain some. And to everyone out there who sometimes feel that life is harsh on them, think again. Tell yourself,

"Thank you Allah, that you are putting me in such test, so that I can become a better servant of Yours."

Bersangka baiklah dengan Allah.

Never Give In

2010-02-08T07:48:00.000-08:00

It has been almost a week now since I returned to Malaysia. Adjusting into the hot weather of Malaysia seemed to have been slightly more difficult than what I've anticipated. I took almost 5 days just to get rid of the exhaustion and jet lag from my flight journey, and some of the things that I've planned for the first week had to be readjusted as I needed more time to rest.

Symptoms wise, I am quite troubled by the itchiness caused by the disease. It seemed to have got worse since I first experienced it about 2 weeks ago back in the UK. I couldn't help myself but scratch a lot, consequently creating multiple scratch marks all over my body, in particular my legs and hands. The anti-itchiness tablets provided by my doctor back in the UK only partially does its trick in easing the itchiness, and I am also quite reluctant to take it during the day as it makes me feel very sleepy due to its side-effects. Every now and again, my mom also took the initiative to apply some virgin coconut oil to my skin just to keep it moist and it does help a bit.

The numbness and weakness of my left hand has gradually worsen, but alhamdulillah I am still able to drive the car without too much hassle or do all my usual house chores. It is caused by the presence of cancer cells within the back of my neck, which also gives a nagging ache, one that I noticed often flares up during the day.

It is quite unpleasant having to live my days carrying such symptoms, but I am thankful to Allah that at least I am not bed-bound by it, still very much able to live as normal a life as anyone else, except that I have to learn to not push myself too much. Yes, it's true that I wish I can live pain free, but will I then not portray myself as an ungrateful servant of Him? I keep on reminding myself, just before I start to whine about my difficulties, that I am still blessed with sight and good hearing, among others. Whereas some people have to live most their life without eyes to see, ears to hear or legs to walk. So when I start to get upset that some of my symptoms are giving me troubles in my life, I am grateful for the other good things that I have.

Treatment wise, I am currently trying various alternative treatments suggested by a lot of people, be it my close friends as well as those who have dropped their comments on my blog. I take every suggestions on board, obviously they are quite a lot, but I will certainly try as much as possible within my capacity. I feel blessed that a lot of people care to take the hassle to offer their help and provide assistance to me, some of them having not seen me at all previously. This must be one of the rahmah (mercy) that has been endowed by our Creator, a sign of His Greatness. May Allah reward all of you for what you have done, and please do remember me in your prayers.

I shall be visiting Darus Syifa' in Bangi tomorrow morning with the hope that I can get to see Dato' Haron Din, insya Allah. I've been told by friends about the sheer number of people that will want to see him within that Tuesday morning, thus the need to turn up very early in the morning (as early as 3am) to get myself a ticket for an appointment to see him. Thank you to a dearest friend of mine, one I knew back in Sheffield, who had kindly offered me to stay in a hotel in Bangi tonight at no cost at all, so that I can turn up early at Darus Syifa tomorrow. My family and I truly appreciate your kindness, and we shall certainly remember you in our dua's.

Please do keep your support and prayers coming, you'll be surprised how much I take your support as a source of strength. The strength that I'll certainly need to keep me battling in this seemingly testing path of mine.

Bandar Baru Bangi,
08 February 2010.

To the people I love

2010-02-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah, by the will of Allah, I’ve safely arrived in Malaysia on the 1st of February 2010 at 630pm. As I exited the arrival hall, I was warmly received by my family, one I’ve been longing to see after such a while. It’s a feeling of joy and sheer relief to finally be reacquainted with my mom and my family members after what has transpired recently. But deep in my heart, I could not hid the fact that I’m already sorely missing ‘something’ across the continent. Reminding myself of the people who have taught me the true meaning of friendship, the people whom support and prayers had touched me a lot, the people who had brought tears to my eyes.

The people I called my ‘big family’.

Saying goodbye to my big family I

Saying goodbye to my big family II

Ever since I made the decision to return to Malaysia for good, my remaining days in UK were spent entertaining the visits made by the people whom I had been privileged to come to know in my life. A late decision it was, as I only told the people around me less than a week before my date of departure. But that certainly did not prevent these lovely people from sacrificing their time and money just to show their unwavering support. The concern they had shown, has taught me an important lesson; nothing in this world is more priceless than showing your love to the people you care in whatever means possible.

As I sat alone in the plane heading back to Kuala Lumpur, I could not help but cry. People who knew me well would certainly testify that I am not the most sensitive of a person and that I don’t openly show my emotions to others. I could even recall the few moments in my life in the UK when I cried; one of those included the time when I had to break my diagnosis back in December 2008 to my mom over the phone. To hear my mom crying was harder to me than hearing the diagnosis from the doctor itself. I have always managed to remain strong throughout my battle with the disease, but nothing shatters my heart more than to see or hear my mom cried over my news.

I remembered when my doctor told me that they could no longer suggest a curable option to my disease, I wasn’t too worried with how bleak my future is possibly looking now. Rather, I was more concerned about thinking on how should I break this latest news to my parents. The first day I heard the news from my doctor, I spent hours sitting by myself motionless, thinking how my family would react. And today, I can only thank Allah that they are taking it strongly, as optimistic as how i’m taking it myself.

I always tell myself, don’t waste my tears whining for the bad things that afflict me in life. Don’t cry for the trials and tribulations that my Creator has put me in, for I am merely a human being that often fails to comprehend the wisdom behind each of His plannings. I remind myself that no matter how difficult my life might be, there will always be other people out there in this world with worse circumstances, yet they remain patient over their predicament. So don’t cry, Afzal.

But I could not tell myself to stop crying when I witnessed the sacrifices that the people around me were willing to make just for my sake. To travel from far just for a brief encounter with yours truly, to donate their money when they themselves struggle financially, to treat me so dearly as if I am one of their blood-related family member when I am not. O Allah, forgive me for my tears but it touches my heart so profoundly when I see the true kindness of your creation.

One of the most emotional moment in my life, seeing so many people in the masjid to show their support

I may be able to pay back my loan of gold, but I will forever remain indebted to the kindness that all of you have shown to me. Jazakumullahu khayran katheera.

As of today, I am safely in my home in Sri Petaling, taking some time off recuperating from what was a hectic and tiring one week. I am generally well in myself, apart from feeling slightly tired and itching quite a lot (the itchiness is due to the cancer, it is one of the common symptoms in Hodgkin’s lymphoma). My left hand also feels numb and weaker compared to my right, as the nerves supplying to that area has been affected by the cancerous cells.

For everyone who has been dropping their comments in my blog, rest assured that I read each and every one of them. So does my mom. We take strength from all your kind words, advise and well wishes. I truly appreciate every support and prayers that have been shown to me, even though there are so many people out there whom I do not know personally. Having read all your comments and prayers, I will always tell myself that I can not afford to raise the white flag just yet, the battle is not over. I must not disappoint the people who have prayed for me all these while.

I know I will fall again and again, but I will always try to get up, no matter how hard it will be.

“...Don't despair of Allah's mercy, for it is the unbelievers alone who despair of His mercy.” [12:87]

Afzal, never ever lose hope with Allah’s Mercy!

p/s: A very touching video indeed. Terima kasih adik Ruzai.

Time To Say Goodbye

2010-01-26T14:54:00.000-08:00

A lot of people have been asking around in regards to my previous post. It touches my heart to witness the concern of the people around me, and the sacrifices they are willing to make. If there is one thing I have really learnt in life, it is the beauty of friendship, one that transcends any differences, be it your skin colour or creed.

I have tried to keep it low ever since the news came out, but I knew eventually I can't keep it to myself for too long. Solely because I believe that there are so many people out there, be it openly or silently, who have been praying and supporting me throughout my battle since December 2008. People who deserve to know my story, through its thick and thin.

My life is indeed, not a primrose path.

After successfully completing my high dose chemotherapy and autologous transplant back in November, I had a scan and a neck biopsy to monitor my progress from treatment. The results of my scan and biopsy came out last week, and it was obviously not what I'd hoped for.

My cancer has relapsed, yet again. And it is still the same type of cancer, ie Hodgkin's lymphoma. Not only was it found on my neck, the cancer is also detected at the liver and my pelvic bone, suggesting the aggressive nature of the disease. The prognosis, is really not good.

My doctor felt that the cancer is almost non responsive to the chemotherapy and transplant. He believes that we are reaching a dead end in terms of further curative treatment options.

Having consulted my parents and close relatives, I have therefore decided that it's best that I return home to Malaysia, for good. To seek for a fresh breath of air, a new environment. To seek for that tiny ray of hope, wherever it might be.

Believing that at least, whatever the outcome of this battle might be, I will be next to my family, my loved ones, the people I want to be with.

It is indeed time to bid farewell to this long but rewarding 6 years journey in the land of the UK. On Sunday the 31st January 2010, I'll be leaving the country for probably the last time ever.

When people asked me how am I taking the news, I'd be a complete liar to claim that I am unperturbed. Natural it is for a mere mortal, blessed with heart and emotions to feel sad with such a difficult predicament. What I currently feel inside can probably be best described by what was said by our Beloved Prophet on the day he mourned for the loss of his son, Ibrahim;

The Eyes Tear,
The Heart is in Pain,
But (with my tongue) I will only say that which is pleasing to Allah.

O Allah, to you I leave all matters.

Accepting fate

2010-01-22T23:32:00.000-08:00

There is a boy who wishes to accomplish many things in his life. He worked his socks off in school, strived for excellence and eventually garnered top grades in his studies. He wanted to fulfill his lifelong ambition of becoming a good doctor, and his wishes came true when he was offered a scholarship to pursue medicine.

Until this point of time, life has always gone by his wishes. What he aspired in life all came true. Growing from a little child into adulthood has been a rewarding experience for him, one filled with joy and happiness. Even though there were bumps along the way, he felt that nothing could stop his march towards achieving great things in life.

He wanted to become a successful doctor, treating people to his best ability so that by the will of Allah, he can save lives, just as how he imagined it to be when he was a child. He dreamt of building his own family and raise beautiful children to bring joys into his life.

But this is when his life took a turn for the worst, as he is afflicted with a test he has never thought could jeopardize all his plans. He might not be able to live up to his dreams of being the best doctor possible. He possibly has to forget his plans of having his own ideal family and his very own beautiful children. The so many great things he aspire in life might just in the end, be dreams.

Oh, how cruel can a twist in life be. A minute you're on top of the world, but by the next blink of the eye, here you are, as low as you can get.

The boy could have easily felt shattered and despise his luck. But before emotions run over him, he is reminded that this is what life is all about.

He knew that he can only make so many plans in life, but the ultimate end is in the hands of His God. Things might just not go by his plan, but he must teach his heart to accept fate. He must tell himself to believe in the wisdom of the things that have been decreed upon him, by his Almighty Creator.

No affliction befalls in the earth, by way of drought [for example], or in yourselves, such as illness, or the loss of a child, but it is in a Book, meaning, the Preserved Tablet (al-lawh al-mahfūz), before We bring it about, [before] We create it — the same is said [to be true] of [God’s] graces — that is indeed easy for God. [57:22]

No matter how hard things can be, the boy knew he must try to swallow it. Bitter it might taste, trials and tribulations are part and parcel of life. He knew that life in this world is only temporary, a transition point, before he embarks on an eternal journey in a different place. A place he hopes to be in, where he knows there will only be joy and happiness therein, with no pains and sufferings. A place where whatever the boy wishes, will come true. A place that boy knows as Jannah, or heaven.

But until that time comes, the boy knows that he has to keep on fighting. Life is indeed a struggle, and what has transpired over the last year or so has taught him a lot about fortitude.

The boy is not going to let the things he experienced over the last week to deter him from BELIEVING. No matter how far the boy falls down, he will get up again. And again. And he will do so until His Creator tells him that it is TIME.

Do remember this boy in your prayers.

Nothing Can Stop You But Yourself

2010-01-19T06:57:00.000-08:00

For the university students, it is the time of the year yet again for examinations and assessments. After what had been for most of them an enjoyable winter break, with all the traveling and snow fights, most of my Malaysian peers in Sheffield are currently isolating themselves in their rooms or in the library. All being infected with the 'revision-mood' virus, which only spreads when examinations are around the corner and is virtually non-existent at any other time of the year.

The examination fever

Ideally, when it comes to the examination season, you want to put aside all other commitments and give your utmost attention to revising. Nothing should be bothering you from your revision and you want to spend as much time as possible preparing for the exams.

But be aware that things don't necessarily go as how you have planned them to be.

Sometimes you are down for a few days with a nasty cold and had to abandon revision for a while.

Or maybe someone close to you in Malaysia is poorly ill or has died, and you had to make an emergency return back home even if it is just for a few days, to provide your support for the bereaved family.

It reminded about my own circumstances, a year ago, when I was preparing for my examination as a final year medical student. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma on the 5th December 2008 and my exams were scheduled on the 15th and 16th January 2009. Within the 6 weeks gap I had between the date of my diagnosis and examination, I had to include regular visits to the hospital for PET scan, bone marrow biopsy and two chemotherapy sessions on top of my revision plan.

I thought I was running out of time...

The chemotherapy made me very lethargic and I remembered having to take at least a week off my revision time recovering from each treatment. Overall, I only had less than 3 weeks of solid revision to prepare myself for the big exams. Alhamdulillah, by the will of Allah, I successfully passed the exams, in what I probably thought was one of the most testing period in my life.

What I'd like to highlight was not my personal feat, but some important lessons I've learned from my experience.

Lesson 1 : Be consistent with your studies.
I understand that it's not easy to be hardworking 24-7, what more as a university student. But being consistent just means devoting that extra 30 minutes-1 hour per day to keep on top of what you've learnt. So that when the examination season looms near, you'll actually reap the benefit by having to spend less time revising compared to others.

Lesson 2 : Stick to revision plans, always allow time for non-revision activities!
Even though I only had roughly 6 weeks before my big exam, I promised myself that I'll not touch my medical books during the period I've allocated for recuperating from the chemotherapy. I'd certainly look at those 'rest' periods as fulfilling my body's rights. But when it is time to revise, I made sure I didn't procrastinate by spending unnecessary times browsing the internet or doing other things that can distract me from studying. So there is absolutely nothing wrong with allocating some time off studying to enjoy yourself, be it playing sports, 'shopping therapy', etc. It is all about discipline!

Lesson 3 : Make sure you put as much effort into praying to Allah as u do with revising.
At the end of the day, we should always turn to Allah for guidance and assistance. Without the will of Allah, I would have never been able to pass my exams no matter how much effort I put in. I genuinely believed that even though I felt slightly unprepared coming to the exams due to my circumstances, Allah gave me the strength to remain calm throughout so that my mind would not be affected by stress and anxiety. Having said that, the concept of tawakkal to Allah should be preceded by making as much effort as possible (read:revision), thus I don't think last minute revision with a half-hearted commitment comes under this concept!

Me revising during my first chemotherapy session. As others were resting whilst having the drugs infused in their body, I couldn't afford to waste my revision times.

All the best to my fellow friends who are battling with their respective examinations, I hope all of you shall pass with flying colours. Do not take any shortcomings as an excuse to stop you from excelling in your studies.

Really, nothing can stop you, but yourself.

Family and life

2010-01-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

Assalamu'alaikum wbt

In life, you choose who becomes your friend. You determine the type of person you want around you, be it a good or a bad friend. A friend you'd hope will remain by your side through the thick and thin. But try as you might, you always feel that friends can only help you to a certain limit before you know you're on your own.

Families, you don't choose them. They are God's gift to you. Curse your luck for getting a nasty sister or a big fat brother, they are part of you and that is final. It's not exchangeable.

But ironically you can always be sure that families will always be there for you, when no one else does.

As one saying goes, the only rock I know that remains steady, and the only institution that I know works, is FAMILY.

Love your family. Pray for their well-being in this world and in the hereafter. Don't break their hearts for you're only gonna break yours.

Learning the prayers

2010-01-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday, I've had yet another fine needle biopsy done on the left side of my neck. Alhamdulillah, although it was slightly painful at the beginning, the procedure went well and I only have Allah to thank for.

This was my third neck biopsy since December 2008. Thinking about what I've gone through for the last one year, I've experienced so many procedures and investigations for the treatment of my condition, some of the major ones being as follow:

1) Three ultrasound-guided biopsy of the neck (December 2008, July 2009, January 2010)

The ultrasound uses high frequency sound waves to make a picture of the nodes in the neck. The fine needle is used to take a tissue biopsy of the enlarged nodes in the neck.

2) Two bone marrow biopsy (December 2008, July 2009)

The bone marrow biopsy is to detect for presence of cancerous cells within the bone marrow cavity.

3) Four Computed-Tomography (CT) scan (December 2008, April 2009, July 2009, December 2009)

CT scan helps to visualize the enlarged lymph nodes throughout the body.

4) Three Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scan (December 2008, July 2009, January 2010)

Works in tandem with CT scan, assisting in determining whether a node is cancerous or not.

5) Two insertion of Hickman Lines (September 2009, October 2009)

A Hickman line allows insertion of fluids and medication into the body, as well as withdrawing bloods from the blood vessels without having to use needles.

6) Countless cannula insertions and venepunctures

Cannula insertion

Venepuncture

Above all, the one that probably sticks most in my mind was the bone marrow biopsy. It was without a doubt the most uncomfortable experience of all, especially the second one that I had, which in short was quite a bloodied experience.

This video might be a bit too graphic for some people. So do watch at your own risk.

Obviously with all the procedures above, praying for a skilled doctor will help to make each procedure less painful and time-consuming. However, on my part, there are obviously prayers that I read before-hand as every affairs is ultimately in the hands of Allah. Some of them include:

اللَّهُمَّ لا سَهْلَ إلَّا مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلاً وَ إنْتَ تَحْعَلُ الْحزْنَ إذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلاً

Allahumma la sahla illa ma ja'altu sahla, wa 'anta taj-alul hazna idha shi'ta sahla

1) O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your Will.

Subhanallah, walhamdulillah, wala ilaha illallah, wallahu akbar, wala hawla wala quwwata illa billah

2) Glory be to Allah, All praise is to Allah, there is no god but Allah. There is no power and no strength except in Allah.

The bone marrow biopsy, in particular, left me with a painful, aching back, worst at night for a few months. It kept me awake on some nights as the pain was occasionally unbearable. On top of the painkillers I took, I'll also practice a du'a taught by our Prophet SAW:

Place your hand at the site of the pain and say:

(i) Bismillah
‘In the name of Allaah’ (three times), then supplicate seven times:

(ii) A'udzubillahi waqudrotihi min sharrimaa ajidu wa-ukhodzir
‘I take refuge with Allah and within His omnipotence from the evil that I feel and am wary of.’

All the prayers above are certainly ones we can practice in life, with the hope that we can live under the shade of the teachings of al-Qur'an and as-Sunnah. Never forget Allah in all of our affairs, believe that Allah is our Protector, and that no harm can be done or afflicted if it is not His Will.

The experience of living with pain. There is an old saying, "Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards".

A blessing we often forget

2010-01-04T09:20:00.000-08:00

Assalamu'alaikum wbt and Hi everyone,

It has been nearly 7 weeks since I was discharged from the hospital for my high dose chemotherapy. As anticipated, I can still very much feel the after effects of the chemotherapy, in particular my energy level. I'll still need the extra hours of sleep during the day to keep me going with my daily activities. Nevertheless, yesterday marked a significant milestone in my improvement post chemotherapy. I started playing sports again, after a 4-months lay off. It was a good 2 hours and a half outing of badminton with my fellow Malaysian peers, one that left me aching all over by the end of it!

All these while, my only form of exercise has been walking daily for my regular prayers in the Muslim Welfare House. Even now I was still huffing and puffing by the time I arrive at the masjid, as I need to walk up the hill all the way to get there. It is certainly one good form of exercise, and I'm sure any Malaysians in Sheffield who regularly comes to the same masjid would concur with me.

"...then for every step he takes towards the mosque, he is upgraded one degree in reward and his one sin is taken off (crossed out) from his accounts (of deeds)..." [Bukhari]. The journey up the hill of Broomspring lane.

Looking retrospectively, I was reminded how I struggled a lot with my daily worship back when I was having my treatment. I felt so weak that I often made use of the rukhsah (relief/dispensation) Allah has allowed in performing the obligatory prayers. Most of the time I had to pray on a sitting position, but there were also times when I was so poorly, that I prayed lying on the bed.

"Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned." [2:286]. An example of praying on a lying position.

The chemotherapy took all my energy away; I could only perform my obligatory prayers and was already too tired to even consider doing the nawafil prayers. Ablution at times was a massive effort, even though I have a bathroom in the room I was in and it was only a few steps away from my bed.

The struggle I went through in performing my worship to Allah back then was a strong reminder that good health is indeed one BIG blessing from our Creator. With good health, arises all the other goodness we enjoy in life. Think about it.

Without good health, the foods we eat will not taste as good. All the nasigoreng kampung, ayam tandoori, sate, cendol, you name your favourite dishes, will all not taste good when you are not well. When I had the mucositis, I could hardly tolerate any foods that was offered to me, and all the drinks and soup that I had tasted dull. As a result, I lost 6 kilograms within just a week and had to be referred to the dietitian to prevent further weight loss.

What you eat today will 'eat' you back in the future. =)

The comfortable bed that usually provides us with a good rest turns into a pain, as we become bed-bound when down with an ilness. When I was in the hospital for a month, there were times when I felt like burning the hospital mattress I was on. Which was probably because I felt tired just looking and lying on it for such a long period.

I am telling myself first and foremost before everyone else; I must appreciate the blessing of good health before I become ill. There must be at least one moment in your life where your 'ibadah was affected as a result of an illness, and think about how thankful you became once you were back to full fitness.

Remember that the moment will come when each of us will be asked about how have we used our good health. Is it for acts that help to bring us closer to our Creator, or ones that takes us further away. When that time comes, the tongue will only say nothing but the truth about all our actions in this world.

Our Lord, bestow on us Mercy from Yourself, and facilitate for us our affair in the Right way! [Al Kahfi, 18:10]

Our prophet was right. Health is indeed a bounty from Allah wherein most people are deceived.

What goes around, comes around...

2009-12-31T09:43:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum wbt

Last week had been a hectic one for me, but one I thoroughly enjoyed as it was about me 'giving' to others. I was invited by akhi Firdaus Rahim, a 4th year medical student in the Nottingham University to share my thoughts in the recently-concluded winter gathering called Fun with ILuvIslam's Youth Overseas, fondly known as FUIYO 2009, held in Telford, United Kingdom.

The so-called Abang Tampan (don't ask me why), full with exuberance and youth

In lieu with the event's theme entitled 'What You Give, You Get Back', I highlighted the importance of Muslims being on top of the pecking order when it comes to giving to others. Some people believe in the karma of what goes around, comes around. When you help a person today, you might get the payback when someone helps you in the future. I certainly have my own share of the so-called 'karma', when a person I've assisted in the past, helped me to remain in the UK for the crucial treatment of my condition, ie the high-dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplant.

As my mom often reminded me, "Afzal, kita tolong orang ni jangan nak berkira sangat. Sebab satu masa nanti mungkin kita pula perlukan bantuan orang." Yes mom, you are spot on.

However, giving or being of benefit to others should not just be solely done in anticipation of the so-called karma. Not just because you know that your help now will be rewarded one way or another. Rather, helping one another is an inherent quality of a Believer, one that is part of his/her akhlaaq (character).

خَيْرُ النَّاسِ أَنْفَعُهُمْ لِلنَّاسِ

"The best people are those who are most helpful or beneficial for other people." [Bukhari and Muslim]

It is worth noting that giving or helping in Islam should not just be seen only in the form of monetary, such as our sadaqah (donation) and alms. Offering some of our time to listen to our friends' problems or lending a hand with any kind of voluntary work is also equally as important.

Sometimes, we even forget that the simplest but yet profound form of giving are in smiling to others, as well as pardoning someone else's faults towards us. It doesn't require us to fork out a single penny or any of our 'precious' time. But the effect can be just as immense.

"Your smile to your brother is a charitable act." [Hadith]

Learn about yourself to see what form of 'giving' are you most comfortable at. As for myself, public speaking seems to run in my family, thus I have always enjoyed giving talks, be it educational or motivational to people especially the youths. Which is why I have never been bothered with traveling far on trains or buses, or even spending my money just to share my humble thoughts to others. When you enjoy 'giving' and try your best to sincerely perform it, Allah will put His barakah (blessings) in what you pursue, insya Allah.

The meaning of life is about giving to others

To the crew of FUIYO 2009, a job well done guys. I really enjoyed the fresh and creative concepts inculcated in the event, and I must admit that it will be extremely difficult, but nevertheless an interesting challenge for the successors to even equal the success of the event. Well, what is life without its challenges anyway.